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Agree or disagree? Should a city try to preserve its old, historic building or destroy them and replace them with the modern buildings? v.1

Agree or disagree? Should a city try to preserve its old, historic building or destroy them and replace them with the modern buildings? v. 1
Popularity makes people well known to the society and pay special attention to them. This sometimes causes celebrity to become benefited and feeling unwanted situation as well. But I believe that popularity brings more advantages than problems. There are some reasons that special attentive person gets several advantages. Firstly, people from the film industry and sports enjoy government facilities on a priority basis as they are considered as the country’s property, so the government always tries to make them free from any unwanted circumstances. For example, security team often cordons them in any public functions for their safety. Secondly, popular person usually gets attention from media, such as on newspaper, on the web and in the television. Thus, their name and image have been spread in every corner, so they could take special discounts wherever they need to go, such as going to hospitals, going to restaurant and riding on transport by utilizing their popularity through different media. Thirdly, branded people may get endorsement from different business organization and become financially benefited. Therefore, they become financially stable and secured. Thus, Celebrity from different professions has enjoyed many facilities. However, being popular, they sometimes face some problems. Their life, firstly, become insecure as they have to attend in many public functions, so they are more prone to contact with unknown people or even unknown sniper. In addition, they have always spent much time with the public, so they hardly get personal time for family that affect their family. Therefore, Celebrity has often faced some unwanted effects. To conclude, Popularity brings both advantages and drawbacks. But I believe that popular people enjoyed more benefit rather facing a little problem.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Popularity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
well known to the society and pay special attention to them. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
causes celebrity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
benefited and feeling unwanted situation
as well
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popularity
brings more advantages than problems.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons that special attentive person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
several advantages.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from the film industry and sports enjoy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
facilities on a priority basis as they
are considered
as the country’s property,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
always tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them free from any unwanted circumstances.
For example
, security team
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
cordons them in any public functions for their safety.
Secondly
, popular person
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
attention from media, such as on newspaper, on the web and
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the television".
in the television
.
Thus
, their name and image have
been spread
in every corner,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they could take special discounts wherever they need to go, such as going to hospitals, going to restaurant and riding on transport by utilizing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popularity
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
media.
Thirdly
, branded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
endorsement from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
business organization and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
financially
benefited.
Therefore
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
financially
stable and secured.
Thus
, Celebrity from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
professions has enjoyed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
facilities.

However
, being popular, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems. Their life,
firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
insecure as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
attend in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
public functions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are more prone to contact with unknown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or even unknown sniper.
In addition
, they have always spent much time with the public,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they hardly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
personal time for family that affect their family.
Therefore
, Celebrity has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
faced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unwanted effects.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Popularity
brings both advantages and drawbacks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I believe that popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoyed more benefit
rather
facing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
problem.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Agree or disagree? Should a city try to preserve its old, historic building or destroy them and replace them with the modern buildings? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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