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Agree or disagree? People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do-rather than doing things they should do. v.1

Agree or disagree? People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do-rather than doing things they should do. v. 1
People have different views about whether children should spend all of leisure time with their family or this is unnecessary. While spending time with families can bring children a great deal of benefits; nevertheless, children also need to have periods of free time with other relationships. On the one hand, family plays an essential role in developing and growing children. Obviously, there is a very close bond between children and parents; therefore, parents have the most powerful influence on a child's development. For instance, under parental supervision help children to well-behave more properly in social. Moreover, the parents are the role model of children; thus, parents will have opportunities for teaching their children. Additionally, the family is a place where younger are received the safety, and children have better an education instituted. On the other hand, nowadays, young often spend time for their friends because their parents devote a large amount of time to their work and seem to leave no time for their offspring. Besides, if children play with their fried without direct management from family, this leads to children will become more independent. For example, relationship with friends also brings children other advantages, such as children share easily anything together without, they cannot talk with their parents. Spending free time with friend help children. Furthermore, children can learn a considerable amount from their friends. In conclusion, children spend time free time with their families bring the advantage out weight the disadvantage; however, other relationship as friend is also necessary.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should spend all of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
or this is unnecessary. While spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a great deal of benefits;
nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
need to have periods of free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
relationships.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
plays an essential role in developing and growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Obviously
, there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
close bond between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have the most powerful influence on a child's development.
For instance
, under parental supervision
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to well-behave more
properly
in social.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the role model of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
;
thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will have opportunities for teaching their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Additionally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is a place where younger
are received
the safety, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have better an education instituted.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, nowadays, young
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
devote a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their work and seem to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their offspring.
Besides
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play with their fried without direct management from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, this leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will become more independent.
For example
, relationship with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
also
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
advantages, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
share
easily
anything together without, they cannot talk with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. Spending free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn a considerable amount from their friends.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
bring the advantage out weight the disadvantage;
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
relationship as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
is
also
necessary.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Agree or disagree? People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do-rather than doing things they should do. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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