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agree or disagree with this statementpeople these days spend more time on personal enjoyments doing things they like to do rather than things they should v.2

agree or disagree with this statementpeople these days spend more time on personal enjoyments doing things they like to do rather than things they should v. 2
The world is changing with very fast pace; so, we are able to see the large number of changes more and more, as we never have thought about them before. Regarding these differences, we are able to see different behavior which are done by people; as a result, people tend to do something they like rather than they should. I have three main reason to show why I have this preference. First and foremost, family and family training play significant role in bringing up children with special behavior. As I remember, in the past, the role of mother and father were so important, in a way that children had to respect them and consult with them in all things. Unfortunately, these roles have been become colorless today. Children prefer to decide for themselves without even think about something their parents say. We can say new generation are more autonomous. Another prominent reason is that, educational system, school, college, and university are impressed the personality traits or personal characteristics in children. Children and adolescents are spend most of their time in these places and learn most of rules for lives there, so, the importance of education is not less than family to teach students how should follow some rules even if they are not enjoyable for them. Last but not least, by passing the time, people will understand that following rules or especial manners are just excessive things to do. Therefore they try to omit them from their lives and just stick to whatever cheers them up or any enjoyable things. Even these behaviors are not acceptable but every day we see too many people that live with their own rules. To sum up, the role of family and education system in raising children is considerable; in addition, we can count different way of thinking as a third effective factor in peoples’ tendency to do enjoyable things rather than essential tasks.
The world is changing with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, we are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
more and more, as we never have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Regarding these differences, we are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
behavior which
are done
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
;
as a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to do something they like
rather
than they should. I have three main reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
why I have this preference.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
training play significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in bringing up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with special behavior. As I remember, in the past, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of mother and father were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, in a way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
had to respect them and consult with them in all things. Unfortunately, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
have
been become
colorless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
prefer to decide for themselves without even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about something their parents say. We can say new generation are more autonomous.

Another prominent reason is that, educational system, school, college, and university
are impressed
the personality traits or personal characteristics in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
and adolescents are
Consider using a past participle here: "spent".
spend
most of their time in these places and learn most of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
there,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, the importance of education is not less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to teach students how should follow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
even if they are not enjoyable for them.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, by passing the time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will understand that following
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
or especial manners are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
excessive things to do.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
they try to omit them from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
stick to whatever cheers them up or any enjoyable things. Even these behaviors are not acceptable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
every day we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.

To sum up, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and education system in raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is considerable;
in addition
, we can count
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way of thinking as a third effective factor in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples’
tendency to do enjoyable things
rather
than essential tasks.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay agree or disagree with this statementpeople these days spend more time on personal enjoyments doing things they like to do rather than things they should v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
320 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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