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Agree or disagree playing computer games is a waste of time Children should not be allowed to play them v.2

Agree or disagree playing computer games is a waste of time Children should not be allowed to play them v. 2
Nowadays, it is commonly accepted that computer games are useless for the children. Contrary to this popular belief, there are still those who argue that not only the computer games could be beneficial for the children, but also assist the children in many other aspects. I, to a great extent, agree with the latter view point that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of computer games in many facets. In the following paragraphs, I will explicate my reasons in details to buttress my position toward the argument. First and foremost, the computer games are helpful for developing their creativity. They confront different struggles through the games that are made them to take a rational decision about their next action or think about the puzzle to solve it. Also, there are especial games that are designed exclusively for improving the children' s creativity. They would have this chance that enjoy the game and learn simultaneously. Whereas this opportunity does not happen easily in the many classrooms and their other daily activities. The other substantial reason that should be taken under consideration is that the children should be taught not to spend much time on playing the games. Also there should not be restricted of playing the games at all. As we all know that the overdoing and deprivation of each activity can be really harmful. Since the computer games are a good and positive way for their spare time. On the other hand, if they are forbidden to play computer games in the home, they would watch other useless TV programs to spend their time. In many cases, the TV shows just make them more lethargic and have no especial benefit for them. Finally yet importantly, there are some kinds of computer games that are about the cultural or historical matters. They are such kind of storytelling. Then, they would learn through the playing the computer games. These days, there are variety of computer games which are about the folks and important historical events. The graphical and animated characteristics of the games are really attractive for them and they can learn many things and the stories stick into their mind. To recapitulate briefly, based on aforementioned reasons, I can draw this conclusion that the computer games is not a waste of time. Computer games can propitiate their creativity, be one of the best way of entertainments and tell the children different educational stories. These are some of advantages that they have in spite of their disadvantages.
Nowadays, it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are useless for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Contrary to this popular belief, there are
still
those who argue that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
could be beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
assist the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects. I, to a great extent,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter view point that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
facets. In the following paragraphs, I will explicate my reasons in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
to buttress my position toward the argument.

First
and foremost, the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are helpful for developing their creativity. They confront
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
struggles through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that
are made
them to take a rational decision about their
next
action or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the puzzle to solve it.
Also
, there are especial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that
are designed
exclusively for improving the
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s creativity. They would have this chance that enjoy the game and learn
simultaneously
. Whereas this opportunity does not happen
easily
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
classrooms and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
daily activities.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
substantial reason that should
be taken
under consideration is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
not to spend much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on playing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
there should not
be restricted
of playing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
at all. As we all know that the overdoing and deprivation of each activity can be
really
harmful. Since the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way for their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, if they
are forbidden
to play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in the home, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
useless TV programs to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, the TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more lethargic and have no especial benefit for them.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
yet
importantly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kinds of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that are about the cultural or historical matters. They are such kind of storytelling. Then, they would learn through the playing the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. These days, there are variety of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which are about the folks and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. The graphical and animated characteristics of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
really
attractive for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things and the stories stick into their mind.

To recapitulate
briefly
, based on aforementioned reasons, I can draw this conclusion that the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is not a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can propitiate their creativity, be one of the best way of entertainments and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
educational stories. These are
After 'some of', you should use 'the' ("some of the advantages") or simply say "some advantages".
some of advantages
that they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
their disadvantages.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay Agree or disagree playing computer games is a waste of time Children should not be allowed to play them v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
414 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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