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Agree or disagree, and why? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v.2

Agree or disagree, and why? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v. 2
Although playing video games is popular among children and many parents are permissive with their kids about this activity, it is true that video games are not so beneficial for everyone. If I were a parent, I would restrict this activity for my children. Consequently, I strongly agree with the statement due to the following reasons. First of all, computer games don' t help to develop social skills and are detrimental to school performance. In fact, nowadays computer games are seen as a great factor that contributes to the isolation of children. Research conducted by The University of California, Los Angeles indicates that children who play computer games every day tend to have fewer friends than those who perform this activity two times a week or less. Furthermore, the latter group has better grades in general due to the fact that they have more time to study or to finish their homework for school. As they have less time to study, their learning process is of lower quality and, as a result, they get bad grades. Second, if I had children, I would encourage them to practice sports instead of playing video games. I believe that physical activity is essential in our lives. Especially sports that are practiced in a team, such as basketball, volleyball, or soccer, among others. Instead of sitting on the couch or at your desk in front of a screen and playing in a virtual reality, you could be breathing fresh air exercising, talking with new people, or strengthening your friendships in a healthy way. Personally, when I was a child, I rarely played computer games. I preferred playing soccer with my neighbors. Every Tuesday we used to gather in a soccer pitch two blocks from home, and we would kick the ball for several hours. I believe this healthy hobby helped me to keep fit and grow well. Third, children may waste several hours in front of their computers, and this hobby may become a vice. I have known many cases in which parents with their children have had to go to the psychologist because of computer games. Kids don' t realize the valuable time that they are wasting. For instance, my cousin failed his first year at high school since he spent so many hours playing online instead of studying. In summary, from my point of view, playing computer games is a waste of time and should be a restricted activity as it is not favorable for your health, grades at school, and social skills.
Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is popular among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents are permissive with their kids about this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, it is true that video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
beneficial for everyone. If I were a parent, I would restrict this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
for my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Consequently
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement due to the following reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to develop social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and are detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
performance. In fact, nowadays computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a great factor that contributes to the isolation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Research conducted by The University of California, Los Angeles indicates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
every day tend to have fewer friends than those who perform this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
a week or less.
Furthermore
, the latter group has better grades
in general
due to the fact that they have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to study or to finish their homework for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. As they have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to study, their learning process is of lower quality and,
as a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
grades.

Second, if I had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I would encourage them to practice sports
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. I believe that physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is essential in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Especially
sports that
are practiced
in a team, such as basketball, volleyball, or soccer, among others.
Instead
of sitting on the couch or at your desk in front of a screen and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
in a virtual reality, you could be breathing fresh air exercising, talking with new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, or strengthening your friendships
Consider replacing "in a healthy way" with the adverb for "healthy"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a healthy way
.
Personally
, when I was a child, I rarely played computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. I preferred
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
soccer with my neighbors. Every Tuesday we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to gather in a soccer pitch two blocks from home, and we would kick the ball for several hours. I believe this healthy hobby
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit and grow well.

Third,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may waste several hours in front of their computers, and this hobby may become a vice. I have known
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases in which parents with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have had to go to the psychologist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Kids
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t realize the valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that they are wasting.
For instance
, my cousin failed his
first
year at high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
since he spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
online
instead
of studying.

In summary, from my point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and should be a restricted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
as it is not favorable for your health, grades at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Agree or disagree, and why? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
421 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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