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Agree or disagree, and why? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v.1

Agree or disagree, and why? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v. 1
The rising business competition around the globe is demanding more efforts from the employers to stay in the market. The trend of extending working hours or staying in touch with the work force 24/7 to meet the official deadlines or some emergencies are becoming common. However, it comes at the cost of emotional and physical disturbance of the employees. In my opinion, this development, though offering benefits at times, have more drawbacks from the employee aspect. The major benefit of a full day employer-employee contact is maintenance of smooth business operations. For example, sometimes contacting a staff after working hours becomes unavoidable, as in case of an emergency at the hospital. Similarly, a short email for a reminder of an urgent presentation the next morning or cancelation of some event is necessary at times to avoid any problems at the office. Additionally, the global expansion of businesses demands staying in contact with the organizations across the borders, extending the working hours because of the differences in the time zones. Any failure to do so may result in loss of the company’s revenue. Despite this, the limited job opportunities have also allowed the employers to benefit from the exploitation of employee rights. Staying in touch through emails and phone calls make it a full day at work. Though, sometimes the staff is also offered an additional financial incentive or a non-monetary reward for the extended services, it effects their personal life and wellbeing. Employees need time to relax and enjoy with their family to stay motivated and healthy. To illustrate, France has declared it illegal to send emails to employees after the office timings, in support of their ‘right to disconnect’. Otherwise, it makes them emotionally exhausted, that ultimately affects their job performance. As, for example, according to a recent research in the banking industry of Pakistan, hectic long office hours is one of the significant factors of rising turnover of the employees. In conclusion, staying in contact with the employees throughout the day is becoming increasingly popular to ensure the business success. However, it imbalances employees' personal life and health, which in my opinion is more important to be addressed.
The rising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
competition around the globe is demanding more efforts from the employers to stay in the market. The trend of extending working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staying
in touch with the work force 24/7 to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the official deadlines or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
emergencies are becoming common.
However
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
at the cost of emotional and physical disturbance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. In my opinion, this development, though offering benefits at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, have more drawbacks from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
aspect.

The major benefit of a full day employer-employee contact is maintenance of smooth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
operations.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
contacting a staff after working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
becomes unavoidable, as in case of an emergency at the hospital.
Similarly
, a short email for a reminder of an urgent presentation the
next
morning or
Possible spelling mistake found.
cancelation
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
is necessary at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
to avoid any problems at the office.
Additionally
, the global expansion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
demands
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staying
in contact with the organizations across the borders, extending the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the differences in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
zones. Any failure to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
may result in loss of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s revenue.

Despite this, the limited job opportunities have
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
the employers to benefit from the exploitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
rights.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Staying
in touch through emails and phone calls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it a full day at work. Though,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the staff is
also
offered an additional financial incentive or a non-monetary reward for the extended services, it effects their personal life and
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Employees
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to relax and enjoy with their family to stay motivated and healthy. To illustrate, France has declared it illegal to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
emails to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
after the office timings, in support of their ‘right to disconnect’.
Otherwise
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
emotionally
exhausted, that
ultimately
affects their job performance. As,
for example
, according to a recent research in the banking industry of Pakistan, hectic long office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is one of the significant factors of rising turnover of the employees.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staying
in contact with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
throughout the day is becoming
increasingly
popular to ensure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
success.
However
,
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'it'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
it imbalances
employees' personal life and health, which in my opinion is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
be addressed
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Agree or disagree, and why? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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