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Advertising discourages us from being different individuals by making us all want to be and look the same as each other. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Advertising discourages us from being different individuals by making us all want to be and look the same as each other. v. 1
Advertising plays a vital role in influencing individuals. Impressive advertisement leads people to build their lifestyle based on the similar aspects. From my perspective, I agree with the assertion. At the outset, advertising can have a profound influence on people easily which can lead to losing their individual identity. To illustrate, the adverse effects of fashion industry not only can change a person's perspective, but also sway people to follow an idol by watching their favourite celebrities. At its simplest, people feel unsatisfied with their appearance that they incline to be same as the stylish model. Junior people every corner of the world willing shaping their habits by detrimental effects which come from adverts. Plus, as announcement constructs a certain perspective, individuals desire to stop having a say in their point of view. On the other hand, it is undeniable that advertising builds a materialistic world. People tendency formed with wrong information that comes from advertising campaigns to convince people to buy their products. Also it makes people poured into unnecessary goods and lose their property. In addition, we can't overlook the amount of social impact advertising have on our society, especially for the younger generations. Commercial can shape our belief system, especially in the early ages. In the 80s, for instance, cigarette commercials and smoking were considered cool. As a result, teenagers of that time were more likely to develop the habit of smoking. All the aforementioned points lead me to firm conclusion that advertisement might bring negativity to the society by making similarity among people.
Advertising plays a vital role in influencing individuals. Impressive advertisement leads
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to build their lifestyle based on the similar aspects. From my perspective, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the assertion.

At the outset, advertising can have a profound influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
easily
which can lead to losing their individual identity. To illustrate, the adverse effects of fashion industry not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
a person's perspective,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
sway
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow an idol by watching their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
celebrities. At its simplest,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel unsatisfied with their appearance that they incline to be same as the stylish model. Junior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
every corner of the world willing shaping their habits by detrimental effects which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from adverts. Plus, as announcement constructs a certain perspective, individuals desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
having a say in their point of view.

On the other hand
, it is undeniable that advertising builds a materialistic world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
tendency formed with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
information that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from advertising campaigns to convince
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their products.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
poured into unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and lose their property.
In addition
, we can't overlook the amount of social impact advertising have on our society,
especially
for the younger generations. Commercial can shape our belief system,
especially
in the early ages. In the 80s,
for instance
, cigarette commercials and smoking
were considered
cool.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
of that time were more likely to develop the habit of smoking.

All the aforementioned points lead me to firm conclusion that advertisement might bring negativity to the society by making similarity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Advertising discourages us from being different individuals by making us all want to be and look the same as each other. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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