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Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree? ? v.1

Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same. ? v. 1
In this world of consumerism, customers are allured by showing creative advertisements repeatedly. Some people argue that, the repetition of advertisements is able to change people's perspectives and hence, everyone has the same opinion and view towards the product. However, I disagree with this allegation. The reasons of my disagreement are explained in trailed paragraphs. To begin with, nowadays, customers are bombarded with a plethora of various advertisements using special kinds of audio and visual effects to attract the audience, and people also rush to the market to buy the item, but, as soon as they realize that, they have wasted the money and time in purchasing something, they stop buying the same item again. Therefore, this attraction lasts for a short period, which does not change the people's choice. For example, most of the people are influenced by watching their favourite celebrities in the advertisement, and they make the purchase, but if they feel unsatisfied with the product, they definitely stop buying despite the ad is featured by a popular celebrity. Moreover, the middle-class folks also need to take care about their monthly budgets, so that, they only buy affordable items, even though, a lot of advertisements are seen by them. Further, if we look into the fashion industry, though, there are a lot of promotions of jeans, most of the people do not like to wear it, as they do not feel comfortable by wearing that. Thus, people's choices and requirements still remain unchanged. To conclude, advertisements are helpful to give a variety of choices to people, but, it never tempts the folks to make them indistinguishable from each others.
In this world of consumerism, customers
are allured
by showing creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
repeatedly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that, the repetition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's perspectives and
hence
, everyone has the same opinion and view towards the product.
However
, I disagree with this allegation. The reasons of my disagreement are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in trailed paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, nowadays, customers
are bombarded
with a plethora of various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
using special kinds of audio and visual effects to attract the audience, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
rush to the market to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the item,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as they realize that, they have wasted the money and time in purchasing something, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
buying the same item again.
Therefore
, this attraction lasts for a short period, which does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's choice.
For example
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are influenced
by watching their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
celebrities in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
, and they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if they feel unsatisfied with the product, they definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
buying despite the ad
is featured
by a popular celebrity.

Moreover
, the middle-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
folks
also
need to take care about their monthly budgets,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
affordable items,
even though
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by them.
Further
, if we look into the fashion industry, though, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
promotions of jeans, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not like to wear it, as they do not feel comfortable by wearing that.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's choices and requirements
still
remain unchanged.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are helpful to give a variety of choices to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, it never tempts the folks to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them indistinguishable from each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same. ? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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