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Advertisements of snacks and toys have a great impact on children and their parents. So, the advertisements to children should be banned. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Advertisements of snacks and toys have a great impact on children and their parents. So, the advertisements to children should be banned. v. 1
Certain advertisements such as toys and snacks have a huge role on children as well as their parents. Some people believe that, this should be banned, because, that influence children a lot. This essay will discuss, some marketing strategies should have been avoided in order to maintain children's mental health. First of all, children often insatiable to their guardians. In other words, after seeing advertisements in between children's programs such as cartoons on television, they are swayed by the video and compelled their parents to buy that product. Consequently, indulgent parents often buy that product to their child after several requests. This leads to the proliferation of that product among kids. For instance, in India, there is a product called kinder joy, a chocolate that comes with a soft toy, the manufactures give a lot of ads of this product on TV to attract the infants. Secondly, The companies are profit oriented and not bothered about one's health. In detail, companies are broadcasting their product as a part of their marketing strategy in order to make enormous profit. In the meanwhile, they do not have any social commitment to maintain one's health. As a result, children ate that product have health hazards. So that kind of ads should have banned in order to protect them. In conclusion, children are not enough to think about the bad effects of advertisements and they always want a product, once they see. So in my opinion, some ads should banned. So that we can escape our children from various vulgarities.
Certain advertisements such as toys and snacks have a huge role on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
as their parents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that, this should
be banned
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, that influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a lot. This essay will discuss,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
marketing strategies should have
been avoided
in order to maintain children's mental health.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
insatiable to their guardians.
In other words
, after seeing advertisements in between children's programs such as cartoons on television, they
are swayed
by the video and compelled their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
.
Consequently
, indulgent parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
to their child after several requests. This leads to the proliferation of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
among kids.
For instance
, in India, there is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
called kinder joy, a chocolate that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with a soft toy, the manufactures give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
ads of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
on TV to attract the infants.

Secondly
, The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are profit oriented and not bothered about one's health. In detail,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are broadcasting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
as a part of their marketing strategy in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
enormous profit. In the meanwhile, they do not have any social commitment to maintain one's health.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
ate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
have health hazards.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
kind of ads should have banned in order to protect them.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
advertisements and
they always want a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
, once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ads should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "ban"
banned
.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
we can escape our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from various vulgarities.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Advertisements of snacks and toys have a great impact on children and their parents. So, the advertisements to children should be banned. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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