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Some say that advertisements of toys and snacks have a huge impact on children and their parents, and therefore advertising to children should be banned. Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Give your own opinion. v.2

Some say that advertisements of toys and snacks have a huge impact on children and their parents, and therefore advertising to children should be banned. Give your own opinion. v. 2
With the industrialization, a tremendous amount of occupations has been replaced by computer-programmed technology. This has resulted in a serious of outcomes in all socioeconomic sectors around the world. The essay will discuss three of these problems which may cause negative impacts on our societies. Firstly, business tycoons will definitely benefit from this technological advance because high tech will increase commercial products or  improve non-tangible services. This will lead to product more profit for them. As a result, the rich are becoming richer and the poor poorer. The gap between high-class people and low-class ones are continually being expanded, especially in developed countries. For example, many auto-motor magnates have made huge profits by using computer -software robot hands to improve their production. As a result, many labour workers in their plants have been laid off and suffer from financial difficulties. Except worsening poverty, the development of computer technology also has triggered the change of workforce markets worldwide. Many novel professional occupations have emerged in job markets. For examples, the youth study hard in order to become one of following professionals, such as software engineer, IT, computer programmers, and so on. Finally, advanced technological machines will worsen living environments. In factories, they consume a large proportion of electrical energy. In order to meet their demand, more harmful gases will be released into the atmosphere while generating more electricity. This leads to more air pollutions in our living habitat on earth. In conclusion, high-tech industrialization worldwide has created many drawbacks for human beings and societies. These drawbacks include worsening poverty, creating novel professionals, and producing more environmental pollution. However, all these drawbacks are limited because the general benefits produced by high-tech have improved the quality and quantity of our daily lives. The benefits overweight the drawbacks caused by high-tech.
With the industrialization, a tremendous amount of occupations has
been replaced
by computer-programmed technology. This has resulted in
The phrase 'a serious of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a serious of
outcomes in all socioeconomic sectors around the world. The essay will discuss three of these problems which may cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on our societies.

Firstly
, business tycoons will definitely benefit from this technological advance 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
high tech will increase commercial products or
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
non-tangible services. This will lead to product more profit for them.
As a result
, the rich are becoming richer and the poor poorer. The gap between high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and low-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
ones are
continually
being expanded
,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
auto-motor magnates have made huge profits by using computer -software robot hands to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their production.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
workers in their plants have
been laid
off and suffer from financial difficulties.

Except worsening poverty, the development of computer technology
also
has triggered the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
of workforce markets worldwide.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
novel professional occupations have emerged in job markets. For examples, the youth study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in order to become one of following professionals, such as software engineer, IT, computer programmers, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

Finally
, advanced technological machines will worsen living environments. In factories, they consume a large proportion of electrical energy. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their demand, more harmful gases will
be released
into the atmosphere while generating more electricity. This leads to more air pollutions in our living habitat on earth.

In conclusion
, high-tech industrialization worldwide has created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
for human beings and societies. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
include worsening poverty, creating novel professionals, and producing more environmental pollution.
However
, all these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
are limited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the general benefits produced by high-tech have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the quality and quantity of our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The benefits overweight the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
caused by high-tech.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that advertisements of toys and snacks have a huge impact on children and their parents, and therefore advertising to children should be banned. Give your own opinion. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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