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Adults today do not do enough exercise. Some people believe that showing major sports events like the Olympics or the World Cup on television encourages people to exercise. Others argue that there are better ways to encourage adults to move more. Discuss v.4

Adults today do not do enough exercise. Some people believe that showing major sports events like the Olympics or the World Cup on television encourages people to exercise. Others argue that there are better ways to encourage adults to move more. Discuss v. 4
With the advancement in technology, the fundamentals and dynamics of lifestyle have been altered significantly. In a recent phenomenon, the increasing tendency has been observed in people spending more time in-house by using gadgets. This, in result, has started a heated debate between people having a diversion in opinions based on the preferential method of promoting physical exercise among matures. A school of thought thinks that mature people can be motivated more by telecasting more sports events, while other refutes this and thinks otherwise. In my opinion, there are more realistic solutions available regarding this issue. The proponents of telecasting sports events say that the reach of these events, along with athletes following, is unmatchable. The events like Olympics and Football World Cup have been telecasted around 180+ countries in the world. Due to this, these events enjoy a massive reach. Additionally, the athletes and soccer players participate in these events also have following in millions. Mature people idealise their athletes, and they try to imitate them in every possible manner. Hence, by showing them consistently on TVs encourage people to imitate their favourite players. For instance, last year’s world heavyweight champion, Salman Ahmed, has started training after watching Virat Kohli fitness during the matches. However, the actual number of people who adopt exercise by watching these events are insignificant. The opponents of telecasting mega-events think there are many better ways to promote exercise in adults. Firstly, mature people should be provided with work-out breaks during office hours. The adults spend almost 12 hours in offices, including office commute. This, in result, leaves them with no time for exercise. Hence, they can be encouraged to focus on physical fitness by giving them work-out breaks during their office hours. Secondly, instead of watching sports, people should be encouraged to take part in physical sports, which can increase their fitness massively. The physical sports events should be organised by companies so that they participate in sports. For instance, a recent study by Harward University shows that companies with departmental sports teams have fitter employees as compare to companies who do not have departmental sports teams. To conclude, the evidence discussed above provides strong support that despite having a viewership of events and athletes in billion, the actual turn-around of people to engage in physical activities is significantly low. On the other hand, providing exercise facilities and work-out breaks at the workplace are more adaptable solutions.
With the advancement in technology, the fundamentals and dynamics of lifestyle have
been altered
significantly
. In a recent phenomenon, the increasing tendency has
been observed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spending more time in-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
by using gadgets. This, in result, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
a heated debate between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having a diversion in opinions based on the preferential method of promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matures
. A school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be motivated
more by telecasting more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, while other refutes this and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
otherwise
. In my opinion, there are more realistic solutions available regarding this issue.

The proponents of telecasting
You should probably use "sport".
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
say that the reach of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, along with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
following, is unmatchable. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
like Olympics and Football World Cup have been
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "telecast", the past tense form of the verb 'telecast'?
telecasted
around 180+ countries in the world. Due to this, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
enjoy a massive reach.
Additionally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
and soccer players participate in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
also
have following in millions.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake. 'idealise' is British English.
idealise
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
, and they try to imitate them in every possible manner.
Hence
, by showing them
consistently
on TVs encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to imitate their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
players.
For instance
, last year’s world heavyweight champion, Salman Ahmed, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
training after watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
Virat
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kohli
fitness during the matches.
However
, the actual number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who adopt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
by watching these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are insignificant.

The opponents of telecasting mega-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
better ways to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
in adults.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be provided
with work-out breaks during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
hours. The adults spend almost 12 hours in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offices
, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
commute. This, in result,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
them with no time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
Hence
, they can
be encouraged
to focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness by giving them work-out breaks during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
hours.
Secondly
,
instead
of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, which can increase their fitness
massively
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
For instance
, a recent study by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Harward
University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
with departmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teams have fitter employees as compare to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
who do not have departmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teams.

To conclude
, the evidence discussed above provides strong support that despite having a viewership of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
in
Use "a billion" or use a number before 'billion'.
billion
, the actual turn-around of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities is
significantly
low.
On the other hand
, providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
facilities and work-out breaks at the workplace are more adaptable solutions.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Adults today do not do enough exercise. Some people believe that showing major sports events like the Olympics or the World Cup on television encourages people to exercise. Others argue that there are better ways to encourage adults to move more. Discuss v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
403 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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