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A poor infrastructure hinders under developed countries from progressing and modernizing. Some people think this should be the first problem tackled by foreign aid. To what extent do you agree? v.2

A poor infrastructure hinders under developed countries from progressing and modernizing. Some people think this should be the first problem tackled by foreign aid. v. 2
It is evident that developed countries are growing further owing to their rational infrastructure. Many people opine that impoverished countries should overcome issues of undeveloped infrastructure by taking assistance from external sources, to flourish as a prosperous nation. I agree with this opinion to some extent, and hence shall put some real scenarios to bring my side to light. Inadequate framework proves as plague to the developing and underdeveloped countries. For instance, many of them do not have a widespread network of roads and railways. Likewise, they are lacking enough power supplies and water distribution systems. Needless, to say foreigners forbade investing in such countries. To my way of thinking it doesn’t imply that the development of a nation should be done at the cost of suppressing their people by taking external loans; rather a country should strive to develop on the basis of availability of indigenous resources. An example to share, Japan grew on its own after getting hit by USA during World War 2, even though it was catastrophic. As a real world example, China has been offering loans to numerous countries like Sri Lanka, Vietnam, Pakistan and Mauritius. These countries were not able to repay their loan; consequently, China started to exploit these countries to waive-off the loans. Recently, there was a newscast that China has made naval bases in Sri Lanka to keep an eye on the activities happening in the Indian Ocean. Furthermore, developments in Pakistan came in exchange for the enslavement of Baluchistan people. The Beijing to Gwadar Port expressway is an example of slavery where Chinese people subdued local to build highways. These scenarios certainly jeopardize countries which aim to build their nation using external aids. In conclusion, I contend that it is vital for a country to provide their citizens with better infrastructure and amenities. However, protection of human rights and safety of the citizens is equally critical before taking any foreign support in development.
It is evident that developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are growing
further
owing to their rational infrastructure.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that impoverished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should overcome issues of undeveloped infrastructure by taking assistance from external sources, to flourish as a prosperous nation. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, and
hence
shall put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
real scenarios to bring my side to light.

Inadequate framework proves as plague to the developing and underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them do not have a widespread network of roads and railways.
Likewise
, they are lacking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
power supplies and water distribution systems. Needless, to say foreigners forbade investing in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. To my way of thinking it doesn’t imply that the development of a nation should
be done
at the cost of suppressing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by taking external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loans
;
rather
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should strive to develop on the basis of availability of indigenous resources. An example to share, Japan grew on its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
after getting hit
A determiner is probably missing here: "by the USA".
by USA
during World War 2,
even though
it was catastrophic.

As a real world example, China has been offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loans
to numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like Sri Lanka, Vietnam, Pakistan and Mauritius. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
were not able to repay their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
;
consequently
, China
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to exploit these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to waive-off the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loans
. Recently, there was a newscast that China has made naval bases in Sri Lanka to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on the activities happening in the Indian Ocean.
Furthermore
, developments in Pakistan came in exchange for the enslavement of Baluchistan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The Beijing to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Gwadar
Port expressway is an example of slavery where Chinese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
subdued local to build highways. These scenarios
certainly
jeopardize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which aim to build their nation using external aids.

In conclusion
, I contend that it is vital for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to provide their citizens with better infrastructure and amenities.
However
, protection of human rights and safety of the citizens is
equally
critical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
taking any foreign support in development.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay A poor infrastructure hinders under developed countries from progressing and modernizing. Some people think this should be the first problem tackled by foreign aid. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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