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A friend of yours is thinking of taking a year off to work before going to a university. Explain to your friend why this is or is not a good idea. v.1

A friend of yours is thinking of taking a year off to work before going to a university. Explain to your friend why this is or is not a good idea. v. 1
For nine to ten months, a woman endures the drastic physiological and emotional changes that pregnancy brings about. Because of this, a woman has the greatest right to decide on whether she will have a child or not. An ideology exists that because women take full responsibility for decisions about childbearing, she also is responsible for rearing the child. I believe that this idea is absolutely faulty. Firstly, decisions about childbearing may be greatly affected by the woman's choice. However, other factors are also considered such as a couple's financial ability to support a child's growth. Aside from that, parenthood is a shared responsibility. A father's role is not limited to sperm donation but also includes changing diapers in the middle of the night. Also, a father should always be involved in child rearing because there are activities that are best suited to be done by a father figure, such as bringing the child to a sports event. Consequently, a child who rarely sees one's father creates a negative perception of him and may possibly create a stronger relationship with the mother alone. In addition, women are different in the modern era. More women are breaking the traditional view that they are confined to the four walls of the home as a housewife. Therefore, there should be a joint agreement between both parents divide the tasks. To cite an example, a mother would send the child to school while a father will be in charge of picking up the child after class. In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is time to abolish the idea of putting the entire child rearing work on women. The idea of shared parenthood must be implemented to keep up with the change in family dynamics that occurred over the years.
For nine to ten months, a woman endures the drastic physiological and emotional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
that pregnancy brings about.
Because of this
, a woman has the greatest right to decide on whether she will have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
or not. An ideology exists that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
take full responsibility for decisions about childbearing, she
also
is responsible for rearing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. I believe that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is
absolutely
faulty.

Firstly
, decisions about childbearing may be
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the woman's choice.
However
, other factors are
also
considered such as a couple's financial ability to support a child's growth. Aside from that, parenthood is a shared responsibility. A father's role is not limited to sperm donation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
includes changing diapers in the middle of the night.
Also
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
should always
be involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
rearing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are activities that are best suited to
be done
by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
figure, such as bringing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to a sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.
Consequently
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
who rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
creates a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
perception of him and may
possibly
create a stronger relationship with the mother alone.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in the modern era. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are breaking the traditional view that they
are confined
to the four walls of the home as a housewife.
Therefore
, there should be a joint agreement between both parents divide the tasks. To cite an example, a mother would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to school while a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
will be in charge of picking up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that it is time to abolish the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of putting the entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
rearing work on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of shared parenthood
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be implemented
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in family dynamics that occurred over the years.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay A friend of yours is thinking of taking a year off to work before going to a university. Explain to your friend why this is or is not a good idea. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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