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A family has a great influence on children's development, but the outsider of home plays a bigger role in it. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

A family has a great influence on children's development, but the outsider of home plays a bigger role in it. v. 2
Growth of the young one' s depend on many aspects which encourage them in day to day life. Some are of the opinion that flourishment of the juvenile majorly created by home while, others say that it is a outside world. I disagree with the above statement. In this following essay i shall discuss the same. To begin with, home is the mainly responsible for the development of the children. Firstly, kids observe and learn each and everything since childhood from their family members. Many times, young ones imitate habit of their parents. Behaviour of the family play an important role in grooming the child. To illustrate, child care centre reported that around 80 percent children follow their family' s behaviour, tradition and habits in the future. Secondly, offsprings have full trust on their parents. So they select the path which assign their guardians for them. Family always supports them in any situation. So they have a good understanding with their parents. To elaborate, Indian cricketer Sachin Tandulkar had good support from his family to become a cricketer. However, impact of the society on the children development can not be ignored. Juveniles get sociable in the school, classes and in the society. They observe others people too. Sometimes, they get attracted to others behaviour and personalities. For example, many teenagers get appeal to film stars and singers and they also try to become like them. Additionally, teacher, coaches and guardians also help to grow children in different fields. Education plays an imperative role in building children healthy life such as, children' s learn moral value and responsibilities in the school. To conclude, although outer world assists youngster while growing, family is the pivotal to build their foundation of the future and better growth.
Growth of the young
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s depend on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects which encourage them in day to day life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
are of the opinion that
Possible spelling mistake found.
flourishment
of the juvenile
majorly
created by home while, others say that it is
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
outside world. I disagree with the above statement. In this following essay
Did you mean "I"?
i
shall discuss the same.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, home is the
mainly
responsible for the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Firstly
, kids observe and learn each and everything since childhood from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
times, young ones imitate habit of their parents.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Behaviour' is British English.
Behaviour
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in grooming the child. To illustrate, child care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
reported that around 80 percent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
follow their
Possible spelling mistake found.
family&
#039; s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, tradition and habits in the future.
Secondly
,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings have
full trust on their parents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they select the path which assign their guardians for them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
always supports them in any situation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
understanding with their parents. To elaborate, Indian cricketer
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tandulkar
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
support from his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to become a cricketer.

However
, impact of the society on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
development can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
. Juveniles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sociable in the school, classes and in the society. They observe others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
too.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attracted to others
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and personalities.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
appeal to film stars and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
singers and
they
also
try to become like them.
Additionally
, teacher, coaches and guardians
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to grow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields. Education plays an imperative role in building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
healthy life such as,
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s learn moral value and responsibilities in the school.

To conclude
, although outer world assists youngster while growing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the pivotal to build their foundation of the future and better growth.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14Mistakes

IELTS essay A family has a great influence on children's development, but the outsider of home plays a bigger role in it. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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