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Some people think that family life and parents have great influence on children’s development, while others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children’s life. v.2

Some people think that family life and parents have great influence on children’s development, while others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children’s life. v. 2
In recent times, there is always a fierce debate about which factors play the most indispensable role in youngsters’ development. Some people firmly believe that it is the parents that are the key ingredient to impact it, whereas others dispute that the outside factors influence children much more. In this essay, both sides of this controversial issue will be thoroughly discussed. Broadly speaking, there are two prime reasons why people advocate of parents. First of all, children learn their first and most important lessons in the home. In other words, the education of children always begins with parents, when is the golden period of personality formation. Another reason is that children spend nearly all of their time with their family, especially in their early years, so that the character and personality of youngsters are deeply inseparable of the family. For example, some experts claim that kids coming from the dysfunctional families are more likely to have personality problems, in comparison with the loving one. In spite of this, the obvious influences of schools for young generation can not be denied. To begin with, technology is also an essential way for kids. In this age of information explosion, the young generation has more tendency to be bombarded with a variety of information. Moreover, it is widely acknowledged that children in recent days spend much more time on the Internet instead of interacting with family. Admittedly, the influence of technology cannot be obscured. In conclusion, there are certainly strong arguments on both sides of this issue. In my view, nowadays the importances of family to shape the kids’ personality has declined, with the technological development.
In recent times, there is always a fierce debate about which factors play the most indispensable role in youngsters’ development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
firmly
believe that it is the parents that are the key ingredient to impact it, whereas others dispute that the outside factors influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
much more. In this essay, both sides of this controversial issue will be
thoroughly
discussed.

Broadly
speaking, there are two prime reasons why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate of parents.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn their
first
and most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
lessons in the home.
In other words
, the education of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
with parents, when is the golden period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
formation. Another reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend
nearly
all of their time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
especially
in their early years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the character and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
of youngsters are
deeply
inseparable of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
experts claim that kids coming from the dysfunctional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are more likely to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
problems,
in comparison
with the loving one.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
this, the obvious influences of schools for young generation can not
be denied
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, technology is
also
an essential way for kids. In this age of information explosion, the young generation has more tendency to
be bombarded
with a variety of information.
Moreover
, it is
widely
acknowledged that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in recent days spend much more time on the Internet
instead
of interacting with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Admittedly
, the influence of technology cannot
be obscured
.

In conclusion
, there are
certainly
strong arguments on both sides of this issue. In my view, nowadays the
Possible spelling mistake found.
importances
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to shape the kids’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality
has declined, with the technological development.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS essay Some people think that family life and parents have great influence on children’s development, while others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children’s life. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
273 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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