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a/d. the extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v.2

a/d. the extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v. 2
Family is an unit of society. In old era, people were living in joint families, while now a days person prefers a nuclear family. The advancements in technology and in society have increased the distance between people. Life of a person is taken by responsibilities, duties and works, but the importance of a family member has remain the same. So, according to me, today also the extended family is as important as it was before. Firstly, Now as the world is expanding, people move away from homes to get jobs and to nurture their families. I clearly remember that my father stayed in his hometown along with his parents throughout his life. He was taking care of his family business. Now, when my brother decided to do a job in a metro city. He migrated to another country with his family. Now, he need good care for his children. He want to give good nourishment to children. He want to teach good dogmas of lives to his children. So, my parents went to his place to take care of his children and to teach them good things. As a result I can say that this incidence reveals the importance of joint family. Secondly, life has become competition. A person has to struggle a lot for his progress. People are becoming multitasking. They are overburdened by duties. It gives them stress. Science has proven that those, who are staying in joint family are having less chances for depression. Those can enjoy life in better way. This scenario gives the importance of cousins, aunts, uncles. Without them, it is difficult to socialize. We together can celebrated happiness, sorrow. We can not enjoy life fully if we stay in nuclear family. Additionally, they are the beloved ones and always ready to help us in our good or bad time. When I was hospitalized and my husband was alone to take care of me. My cousin helped us by giving economical and moral support. It is easy to overcome many difficulties with the help of the family members. In conclusion, life is nothing without grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
unit of society. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were living in joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, while
Did you mean "nowadays"?
now a days
person prefers a nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. The advancements in technology and in society have increased the distance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Life
of a person
is taken
by responsibilities, duties and works,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the importance of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member has
Use past participle here: "remained".
remain
the same.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, according to me,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
also
the extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as it was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Now
as the world is expanding,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
away from homes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
jobs and to nurture their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. I
clearly
remember that my father stayed in his hometown along with his parents throughout his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. He was taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
business.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Now
, when my brother decided to do a job in a metro city. He migrated to another country with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Now
, he need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. He
The pronoun 'He' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "wants", "wanted".
want
to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
nourishment to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. He
The pronoun 'He' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "wants", "wanted".
want
to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
dogmas of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, my parents went to his place to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and to teach them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
things.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result I can say that this incidence reveals the importance of joint family.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
has become competition. A person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
struggle a lot for his progress.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are becoming multitasking. They
are overburdened
by duties. It gives them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. Science has proven that those, who are staying in joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are having
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun chances is countable.
less
chances for depression.
Did you mean "this can" or "Those cans"?
Those can
enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in better way. This scenario gives the importance of cousins, aunts, uncles. Without them, it is difficult to socialize. We together can celebrated happiness, sorrow. We can not enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
fully
if we stay in nuclear family.

Additionally
, they are the beloved ones and always ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
time. When I
was hospitalized
and my husband was alone to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of me. My cousin
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
us by giving economical and moral support. It is easy to overcome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is nothing without grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay a/d. the extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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