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739 the first in terms of personality, are people more influenced by their family or by their friends? v.1

739 the first in terms of personality, are people more influenced by their family or by their friends? v. 1
A good song playing at the right time can eliminate the needless conflicts between two people. The vibe of singing affects directly the mood, which connects people with the same feeling and frame of mind when listening to the melody. That the same is claimed to make the emotional connection between individuals is palatable and discussed in this essay. This writer maintains a congruent idea with the claim that people from around the world can be brought together through music for the simple reasoning that as being human, they have the same states of emotion. People probably sense the happiness when hearing the happy song; on the other hand, they absolute sense the sadness when hearing the sadness. An excellent example would be my 6-year-old brother can feel ecstatic when my mum sings a lovely English song before turning in, although he knows nothing about the language. Admittedly, a beautiful singing is the best antidote to the depression and obsession. That music also stimulate the youngster to empathize the aged people corroborates the argument espoused in the foregoing for the simple reason that a song reflects the reality and what happened in the past. Moreover, the content of songs depends on the trend; as a consequence, all ones were patriotic before 1945. To illustrate this case, "You are not alone", my father's favourite Vietnamese song, is about the love during the world, which is overwhelming and sorrowful and thus I could acknowledge what my dad have to suffer during the bloodshed. Another school of thought, but stimulates that people cannot acknowledge the message, which prompts the misunderstanding; however, this is wanting in logic and the dearth of sense. This can happen only two people or two groups of people have the disputes and hence they knowingly do not understand each other. As far as I am concerned, music can arouse the curiosity, which is the encouragement when people learn other languages. All the above points considered, it is therefore safe to say that music is absolutely fascinating that supports people to voice out their expressions empathised by ones from other countries, notwithstanding the difficulty in languages.
A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
song playing at the right time can eliminate the needless conflicts between two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The vibe of singing affects
directly
the mood, which connects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with the same feeling and frame of mind when listening to the melody. That the same
is claimed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the emotional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
individuals is palatable and discussed in this essay.

This writer maintains a congruent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
with the claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from around the world can
be brought
together through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for the simple reasoning that as being human, they have the same states of emotion.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
probably
sense the happiness when hearing the happy song; on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, they
The word "absolute" is an adjective and doesn't fit in this context. Did you mean the adverb "absolutely"?
absolute
sense the sadness when hearing the sadness. An excellent example would be my 6-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
brother can feel ecstatic when my mum sings a lovely English song
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
turning in, although he knows nothing about the language.
Admittedly
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
singing is the best antidote to the depression and obsession.

That
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
also
stimulate the youngster to empathize the aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
corroborates
the argument espoused in the foregoing for the simple reason that a song reflects the reality and what happened in the past.
Moreover
, the content of songs depends on the trend; as a consequence, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
were patriotic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
1945. To illustrate this case,
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
You are not alone
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, my father's
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
Vietnamese song, is about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
during the world, which is overwhelming and sorrowful and
thus
I could acknowledge what my dad
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer during the bloodshed.

Another school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
stimulates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot acknowledge the message, which prompts the misunderstanding;
however
, this
The verb 'wanting' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is wanting
in logic and the dearth of sense. This can happen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or two groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the disputes and
hence
they
knowingly
do not understand each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. As far as I
am concerned
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can arouse the curiosity, which is the encouragement when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
languages.

All the above points considered, it is
therefore
safe to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
absolutely
fascinating that supports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to voice out their expressions
Do not mix variants of the same word ('empathise' and 'empathize') within a single text.
empathised
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries, notwithstanding the difficulty in languages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay 739 the first in terms of personality, are people more influenced by their family or by their friends? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
356 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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