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6. It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

6. It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 2
Nowadays, an increasing number people are concerned about that pupils must be learn about their country history than other countries which is more important. I completely disagree with this opinion, the simple reason that I believe that schools should teach local, nation and world history. On the one hand, it is significant that children should be learn about their nation history when they go to school. There are several reasons that they should be learn about their country. Firstly, knowing about makes children aware of the events of their country’s past. For example, when Vietnamese student learn about their nation country, it will be providing knowledge about the way of life and liberty which Ho Chi Minh president bring to their nation. They know how do their president find the way to help their country escape their enemy. Secondly, schoolchildren will learn how important local cultural traditions have developed. As a result, they will gain a deeper understanding of each traditional event, and be motivated to carry on the best custom for generations to come. On the other hand, there are several valuable in world history. Students might be study about historical of other countries over the world, the reason that it will develop an understanding of past experiences of other people. For example, learn about The Second World War can help them to know about the war killed over 61 million people over the world. Moreover, learning about wars in the past will help children become respect what do they have at the moment. It is haven by their forbear and there are various people died to have this liberty. In conclusion, I think that schools must be teach their student about not only local history but also nation and world history.
Nowadays, an increasing number
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are concerned
about that pupils
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
Consider using the past participle "learned", "learnt"?
learn
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. I completely disagree with this opinion, the simple reason that I believe that schools should teach local,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
history.

On the one hand, it is significant that children should be
Consider using the past participle "learned", "learnt"?
learn
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
when they go to school. There are several reasons that they should be
Consider using the past participle "learned", "learnt"?
learn
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Firstly
, knowing about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
children aware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
past.
For example
, when Vietnamese student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, it will be providing knowledge about the way of life and liberty which Ho Chi Minh president bring to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. They know how do their president find the way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
escape their enemy.
Secondly
, schoolchildren will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
local cultural traditions have developed.
As a result
, they will gain a deeper understanding of each traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, and
be motivated
to carry on the best custom for generations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are several
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "valuables"?
valuable
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. Students might be study about historical of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, the reason that it will develop an understanding of
Consider using "experiences".
past experiences
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about The Second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
War can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to know about the war killed over 61 million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
Moreover
, learning about wars in the past will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children become respect what do they have at the moment. It is
Consider using a past participle here: "had".
haven
by their forbear and there are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
to have this liberty.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
Consider using the past participle "taught"?
teach
their student about not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 6. It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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