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6. It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

6. It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 1
Fifteen or twenty years ago, few people could have imagined that the modern technology would impact us so greatly. However, whether people have a tendency to work or study with hi-tech devices from home bring negative influence or positive is a controversial issue. I am of the opinion that this action would do more pros than cons. There are significant benefits associated with working and studying online. First of all, it is obvious that the online world has made our lives infinitely more convenient due to the proliferation of the Internet. This means that individuals can gain access to any information or knowledge with the click of a mouse rather than spending a day long in a library. Therefore we can work remotely and spend more quality time with family. Moreover, this innovation has a crucial role in improving work efficiency. For example, more and more online retailers participate in an e-commerce market such as Amazon and overcome geographical barriers to easily access customer around the world. If people make the most of hi-tech features, they not only can work in their house, but enhance their productivity and earn more profits. This is not to say that relying on hi-tech devices would not bring drawbacks to individuals. There are, of course, with the resulting indulge in the virtual world, people would get into trouble with both physical and psychological problems. For instance, children spend a lot of their time in using the internet instead of interacting with people in a real life and doing outdoor exercise. Consequently, they would become solitary and weaken relationship with their loved ones. But still, the advantages are far greater. In conclusion, with an increasing popularity of modern technology, working and studying at home is becoming a positive trend throughout the world.
Fifteen or twenty years ago, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could have imagined that the modern technology would impact us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
greatly
.
However
, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a tendency to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or study with hi-tech devices from home bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
is a controversial issue. I am of the opinion that this action would do more pros than cons.

There are significant benefits associated with working and studying online.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is obvious that the online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
has made our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
infinitely
more convenient due to the proliferation of the Internet. This means that individuals can gain access to any information or knowledge with the click of a mouse
rather
than spending a day long in a library.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
we can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
remotely
and spend more quality time with family.
Moreover
, this innovation has a crucial role in improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
efficiency.
For example
, more and more online retailers participate in an e-commerce market such as Amazon and overcome geographical barriers to
easily
access customer around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of hi-tech features, they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
enhance their productivity and earn more profits.

This is not to say that relying on hi-tech devices would not bring drawbacks to individuals. There are,
of course
, with the resulting indulge in the virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into trouble with both physical and psychological problems.
For instance
, children spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
their time in using the internet
instead
of interacting with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a real life and doing outdoor exercise.
Consequently
, they would become solitary and weaken relationship with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
still
, the advantages are far greater.

In conclusion
, with an increasing popularity of modern technology, working and studying at home is becoming a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 6. It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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