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388 what benefits do you think people get from the activities they enjoy in the water? (sorry for the quality) v.1

388 what benefits do you think people get from the activities they enjoy in the water? (sorry for the quality) v. 1
Nowadays, young generations are considering moving from rural areas to the big cities is dramatically increasing for many factors such as a better professional career or education. I believe the advantages of moving to the cities outweigh the disadvantages. This essay will discuss both sides and provide a conclusion. To begin with, there are several advantages of moving to the cities. Firstly, the quality of the education in the cities is one of the factors which forcing young people to move to cities. By comparing the education services and the quality provided in the cities with the rural areas, we can notice that there is a big difference due to the availability of the resources. For example, all leading universities are located in the cities with a wide range of resources in hand to develop the students. Secondly, the opportunities for getting the best professional careers are much higher in the cities. All leading companies either local or international usually select the urban areas to start their business. Furthermore, the cities are having a wide range of diversity. Therefore; young people will deal with different people from different countries and this will expand their social lives. To put this into perspective, the communities in the cities are much developed and the exposure of meeting people is high. On the other hand, moving to big cities is also having some disadvantages. To start with, the cost of living in the cities is extremely high compared with rural areas. Due to the huge demand in cities, the prices of the food, services and apartments are expensive. For instance, an employee will spend half of his income to rent a small flat. Moreover, moving from rural areas will leave them without any development. Accordingly, they will not have the young resources who can work to develop the area and raise the society. To sum up, young people are moving to cities as they have a lot of merits such as better jobs and education, but they also have disadvantages such as the expensive living cost. However, younger generations are considering this migration as the best option, despite the disadvantages it has.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generations are considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is
dramatically
increasing for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors such as a better professional career or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. I believe the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
outweigh the disadvantages. This essay will discuss both sides and provide a conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
Firstly
, the quality of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is one of the factors which forcing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. By comparing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
services and the quality provided in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, we can notice that there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
difference due to the availability of the resources.
For example
, all leading universities
are located
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
with a wide range of resources in hand to develop the students.
Secondly
, the opportunities for getting the best professional careers are much higher in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. All leading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
either local or international
usually
select the urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their business.

Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are having a wide range of diversity.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries and this will expand their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. To put this into perspective, the communities in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are much developed and the exposure of meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is high.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is
also
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, the cost of living in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is
extremely
high compared with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. Due to the huge demand in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, the prices of the food, services and apartments are expensive.
For instance
, an employee will spend half of his income to rent a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
flat.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them without any development.
Accordingly
, they will not have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
resources who can work to develop the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
and raise the society.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moving
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
as they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
merits such as better jobs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
have disadvantages such as the expensive living cost.
However
, younger generations are considering this migration as the best option, despite the disadvantages it has.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 388 what benefits do you think people get from the activities they enjoy in the water? (sorry for the quality) v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
358 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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