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33. People who develop many different skills are more successful than people who focus on one skill only. v.2

33. People who develop many different skills are more successful than people who focus on one skill only. v. 2
Nowadays, people study hard to be accepted by high-ranking universities, and learn English language to apply for higher education levels so that they could achieve success. In fact, for today’s people, success means fulfilling their common desires, a decent job. Controversy surrounds the issue of whether an individual should mater a specific skill or many skills to succeed. Some people are of the opinion that mastering a skill brings an individual better performance due to allocating sufficient time to learn a lot about it. I believe that developing a wide variety of skills would contribute to an individual’s accomplishment for some reasons. One of the most interesting facets of the current discussion which demands a keen contemplation is that job market needs an employee with various skills. Quickly growth of the number of eligible candidates for limited job vacancies causes an employee, who thinks about earning more profit, hires a person who has a broaden knowledge. For example, by increasing competition among many banks to capture more and more customers’ attention, employers need to have clerks with not only expertise in accounting but also skills in respectfully and friendly behaving customers in order to keep customers satisfied with all aspects of their jobs, which creates more and more heavy investment for the bank. Another noteworthy facet of the ongoing discussion that should be reflected is that more skills provides you with a convenient life. There are many students attempting to apply abroad for continuing their education. What these students need to know is not just studying. In fact, they need to learn how to cook food at dormitory, how to communicate with other students from other foreign countries not to feel isolated there, and how to deal with inevitable problems. If they learn how to make instant decisions in an emergency situation, how to socialize with others, and generally how to live on their own, they will achieve theirs. This achievement will not be gained unless they have not only academic skills but also social skills, and of course, daily living skills. To sum up, people could be successful as long as they will be able to develop various skills that would result in exceeding others while applying for a trustworthy job and living a comfortable life. I hope that people become aware of the needs of today’s society and prepare themselves according to the society’s criteria.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by high-ranking universities, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
English language to apply for higher education levels
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could achieve success. In fact, for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, success means fulfilling their common desires, a decent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Controversy surrounds the issue of whether an individual should mater a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to succeed.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that mastering a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
brings an individual better performance due to allocating sufficient time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
a lot about it. I believe that developing a wide variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
would contribute to an individual’s accomplishment for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.

One of the most interesting facets of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
discussion which demands a keen contemplation is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
an employee with various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Quickly
growth of the number of eligible candidates for limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
vacancies causes an employee, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
about earning more profit, hires a person who has
After 'a', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'broaden' is correct. If 'broaden' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
a broaden
knowledge.
For example
, by increasing competition among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
banks to capture more and more customers’ attention, employers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to have clerks with not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
expertise in accounting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in
respectfully
and friendly behaving customers in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
customers satisfied with all aspects of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, which creates more and more heavy investment for the bank.

Another noteworthy facet of the ongoing discussion that should
be reflected
is that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
provides you with a convenient life. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students attempting to apply abroad for continuing their education. What these students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to know is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
studying. In fact, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to cook food at dormitory, how to communicate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
students from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
foreign countries not to feel isolated there, and how to deal with inevitable problems. If they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
instant decisions in an emergency situation, how to socialize with others, and
generally
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, they will achieve theirs. This achievement will not
be gained
unless they have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, and
of course
, daily living
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could be successful as long as they will be able to develop various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
that would result in exceeding others while applying for a trustworthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and living a comfortable life. I hope that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become aware of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s society and prepare themselves according to the society’s criteria.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay 33. People who develop many different skills are more successful than people who focus on one skill only. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
397 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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