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303 would you say that schools for young children have become more or less competitive since you were that age? v.1

303 would you say that schools for young children have become more or less competitive since you were that age? v. 1
Almost everyone would like to immigrate into the country that have been developed as there are a lot of work with high salary and find jobs easily. That is why immigration has a major impact on the society. Nowadays, people in the poorest country are trying to get into the richer country such as, America, Canada, Australia and so on. Since people immigrate to the country, it also has some benefits. The financial of the country will be pushed up as many people get in and work with that country, therefore more and more taxes will be taken by the government. Nevertheless, besides all this benefits, the disadvantages outweigh these advantages. Since a lot of people are coming to the country, the population will increase non-stop and that is the reason for increasing pollution. When the population cannot be controlled and that is also the time when thieves are doing. They will be more obviously taken away all the assets of other people. The country is fulfilled with all chaos. Perhaps, in the near future, that one will be broken down and the country will not be controlled by their own government anymore but other countries also can attack easily. In a nutshell, if the country wants to stay in peace so they need to control everyone who wants to immigrate into the country. That is first and foremost. Due to the demanding of immigration to develop the country, many people are not giving up their dream to immigrate into.
Almost everyone would like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrate
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
that have
been developed
as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
work with high salary and find jobs
easily
.
That is
why immigration has a major impact on the society.

Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the poorest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into the richer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
such as, America, Canada, Australia and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrate
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, it
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits.
The phrase 'The financial of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'The' and 'of'.
The financial of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will
be pushed
up as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in and work with that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
therefore
more and more taxes will
be taken
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Nevertheless
,
besides
all this benefits, the disadvantages outweigh these advantages. Since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are coming to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, the population will increase non-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
and
that is
the reason for increasing pollution. When the population cannot
be controlled
and
that is
also
the time when thieves are doing. They will be more
obviously
taken away all the assets of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is fulfilled
with all chaos. Perhaps, in the near future, that one will
be broken
down and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will not
be controlled
by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
anymore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
also
can attack
easily
.

In a nutshell, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
wants to stay in peace
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they need to control everyone who wants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrate
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
That is
first
and foremost. Due to the demanding of immigration to develop the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not giving up their dream to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrate
into.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay 303 would you say that schools for young children have become more or less competitive since you were that age? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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