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101. What change in your character have you had that was important in changing you from a child to an adult? Be sure to explain how/why this change has helped you to become an adult. v.1

101. What change in your character have you had that was important in changing you from a child to an adult? Be sure to explain how/why this change has helped you to become an adult. v. 1
It is argued that secondary education should not be available for those who do not enter the workforce in countries with high rate of unemployment. I strongly disagree with this statement because education is not the cause of unemployment and the other purposes of education besides vocational aim. First of all, education does not cause unemployment. , but lack of education does. It is obvious that population in developed countries is well-educated and they are the driving force of the countries’ growth. By contrast, those who do not have access to school often lack essential and desirable knowledge and skills to be able to compete in the job market. This could result in an increasing number of between-jobs people in society. In addition, there are different factors affecting the jobless rate of a country such as economic recession, poor governance, development of technology and mismatch of demand and supply of the job market. For instance, the utilisation of robots in some segments like manufacturing and hospitality has posed a threat of losing jobs to their workers. Secondly, the aim of education is more fundamental than simply to prepare young people for the world of work. Secondary education provides people with know-how and life skills such as collaboration, communication and critical thinking. Besides, it also helps shape personalities and allows students to discover themselves through various activities. To illustrate, one might figure out he loves music and wants to be a musician in the future by attending in the school’s choir. Additionally, educated people who have been taught about the moral qualities such as honesty, tolerance, freedom and so on are less prone to commit crimes. Therefore, besides vocational aim, education has a more significant purpose which is to help individuals grow as a person and become responsible members of their society. To summarise, there is no point in denying that secondary education in particular and education in general play an important role in the development of a country. Not only does it provide employment opportunities to individuals, but it also makes a person civilized and knowledgeable.
It
is argued
that secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should not be available for those who do not enter the workforce in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with high rate of unemployment. I
strongly
disagree with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is not the cause of unemployment and the other purposes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
besides
vocational aim.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
does not cause unemployment.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
does. It is obvious that population in developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
well-educated and
they are the driving force of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries’
growth. By contrast, those who do not have access to school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lack essential and desirable knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to be able to compete in the job market. This could result in an increasing number of between-jobs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in society.
In addition
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
factors affecting the jobless rate of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
such as economic recession, poor governance, development of technology and mismatch of demand and supply of the job market.
For instance
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
of robots in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
segments like manufacturing and hospitality has posed a threat of losing jobs to their workers.

Secondly
, the aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is more fundamental than
simply
to prepare young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for the world of work. Secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with know-how and life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as collaboration, communication and critical thinking.
Besides
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
shape personalities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
students to discover themselves through various activities. To illustrate, one might figure out he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
music and wants to be a musician in the future by attending in the school’s choir.
Additionally
, educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
been taught
about the moral qualities such as honesty, tolerance, freedom and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on are less prone to commit crimes.
Therefore
,
besides
vocational aim,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has a more significant purpose which is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
individuals grow as a person and become responsible members of their society.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, there is no point in denying that secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in particular
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in general
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the development of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does it provide employment opportunities to individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a person civilized and knowledgeable.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay 101. What change in your character have you had that was important in changing you from a child to an adult? Be sure to explain how/why this change has helped you to become an adult. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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