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29. 10. 2017Some people think that spending a lot on birthday celebrations and wedding is a waste of money. But others think that it is important to young people and the society. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

29. 10. 2017Some people think that spending a lot on birthday celebrations and wedding is a waste of money. But others think that it is important to young people and the society. v. 2
Many aver celebrating lavishly birthdays and weddings is an unreasonable action. Other claim having opulent celebrations is crucial for the society and young individuals. Below both prospects will be discussed and author’s opinion will be given. On the one hand, spending a large amount of money on the discussed events is not a necessity. Firstly, traditions and customs that are associated with having big celebrations have lost their pivotal meaning in today’s society. In fact, the number of city dwellers keeps growing steadily, it means people who belong to different cultures, confessions and nationalities have to co-exist. Thus, a new cosmopolitan culture is being forged that is adapted to living in those novel circumstances. Secondly, young adults have many urgent needs that must be satisfied. For instance, the cash that is wasted on a celebration could have been used as an initial fee for an automobile credit or a mortgage. If resources are not spent wisely, young people will not have a possibility to live independently from their parents for a long time. So, adhering to the archaic tradition is a waste of limited resources. On the other hand, there are those who believe celebrating important events lavishly has a deep meaning. Primarily, wedding and birthday parties served as a tool that allowed young members of society to move from one stage of their lives to the next one. A big event attracts a huge number of relatives, friends and colleagues who witness this step forward and help the young adults to realize and comprehend this alteration. Furthermore, the discussed tradition brings families together and has a crucial importance for maintaining family ties. Each noisy party is a reason to remind people that they are a part of the same community who shares common history and values. So, the discussed habit has an advantageous influence on those who are being praised and the society. In my opinion, the contemporary society keeps developing and although the old way of celebrating used to be crucial for the well-being of the community, today the custom become obsolete and may be forsaken.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
aver celebrating
lavishly
birthdays and weddings is an unreasonable action. Other claim having opulent celebrations is crucial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals. Below both prospects will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discussed
and author’s opinion will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.

On the one hand, spending a large amount of money on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discussed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is not a necessity.
Firstly
, traditions and customs that
are associated
with having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
celebrations have lost their pivotal meaning in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. In fact, the number of city dwellers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
growing
steadily
, it means
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
belong to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures, confessions and nationalities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
co-exist.
Thus
, a new cosmopolitan culture is
being forged
that
is adapted
to living in those novel circumstances.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
urgent needs that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be satisfied
.
For instance
, the cash that
is wasted
on a celebration could have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as an initial fee for an automobile credit or a mortgage. If resources are not spent
wisely
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will not have a possibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
The usual collocation for "independently" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independently of"?
independently from
their parents for a long time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, adhering to the archaic tradition is a waste of limited resources.

On the other hand
, there are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believe celebrating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
lavishly
has a deep meaning.
Primarily
, wedding and birthday parties served as a tool that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
members of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from one stage of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to the
next
one. A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
attracts a huge number of relatives, friends and colleagues
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
witness this step forward and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults to realize and comprehend this alteration.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discussed
tradition brings families together and has a crucial importance for maintaining family ties. Each noisy party is a reason to remind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that they are a part of the same community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
shares common history and values.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discussed
habit has an advantageous influence on those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
being praised
and the society.

In my opinion, the contemporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
developing and although the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
way of celebrating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be crucial for the well-being of the community,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
the custom become obsolete and may
be forsaken
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay 29. 10. 2017Some people think that spending a lot on birthday celebrations and wedding is a waste of money. But others think that it is important to young people and the society. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
348 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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