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28. These days many families move to other countries for work. Some people believe that the children in these families benefit from this move. However, others believe that it makes life more difficult for the children. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.1

28. These days many families move to other countries for work. Some people believe that the children in these families benefit from this move. However, others believe that it makes life more difficult for the children. v. 1
It is a common fact that more immigrants from developing nations to developed ones in order to seek for a better living environment for their children. Some people support their decisions will benefit their children's growth; while, others believe that new living environments will bring drawbacks for their children. The essay will discuss the both views and presents my support to the former view. To begin with, moving to a rich nation will provide a high quality of life for children. Moreover, harmonious communities, better educational resources, clean living environment with close-zero pollutions, and universal health care system in rich countries will benefit children's thriving as well. For example, Chinese immigrants in Canada provide a safer environment for their Chinese to thrive there. At least, in the current contemporary are, their children are living in a society without being threatened by corona viruses. Their children have much happier lives in schools without facing extremely heavy study tasks as those in China. On the other hand, some people believe that relocating to an unfamiliar nation will bring negative impacts on the young newcomers. They will encounter with culture shocks, language barriers, different climates, and so on. All these will create challenges for them. For example, after landing in Canada, they are required to write English test and then will be placed in ESL classes. All these newcomers may feel detrimentally due to language barriers in new schools.  They may suffer from psychological issues due to lack of new friends and support from their parents who are also facing similar conditions as well. I personally opine that emigrate to developed countries will benefit the younger generation if they can focus on overcoming cultural shocks by learning the language and being open-mind to accept a new culture at the beginning. Moreover, newcomers should obtain assistances from local communities to adapt themselves to navigate the societies and are willing to learn the different cultures. In conclusion, relocating toward a rich nation will face challenges due to above reasons. However, the movement will benefit the young newcomers if they are willing to work hard to adapt themselves to learn in the new environment. Moreover,  parents should start to educate their children before they plan to relocate in order to prevent the above drawbacks.
It is a common fact that more immigrants from developing nations to developed ones in order to seek for a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
support their decisions will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
their children's growth; while, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environments
will bring drawbacks for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The essay will discuss the both views and presents my support to the former view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, moving to a rich nation will provide a high quality of life for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Moreover
, harmonious communities, better educational resources, clean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
with close-zero pollutions, and universal health care system in rich countries will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
children's thriving
as well
.
For example
, Chinese immigrants in Canada provide a safer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
for their Chinese to thrive there. At least, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
contemporary are, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in a society without
being threatened
by
The term "coronaviruses" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona viruses
. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have much happier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in schools without facing
extremely
heavy study tasks as those in China.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that relocating to an unfamiliar nation will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newcomers
. They will encounter with culture shocks, language barriers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
climates, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. All these will create challenges for them.
For example
, after landing in Canada, they 
are required
to write English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
 and then will
be placed
in ESL classes. All these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newcomers
may feel
detrimentally
due to language barriers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
schools.  They may suffer from psychological issues due to lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends and support from their parents who are
also
facing similar conditions
as well
.

I
personally
opine that emigrate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
the younger generation if they can focus on overcoming cultural shocks by learning the language and being open-mind to accept a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
culture at the beginning.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newcomers
should obtain
Possible spelling mistake found.
assistances
from local communities to adapt themselves to navigate the societies and are willing to learn the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures.

In conclusion
, relocating toward a rich nation will face challenges due to above reasons.
However
, the movement will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newcomers
if they are willing to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to adapt themselves to learn in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
.
Moreover
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they plan to relocate in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the above drawbacks.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay 28. These days many families move to other countries for work. Some people believe that the children in these families benefit from this move. However, others believe that it makes life more difficult for the children. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
364 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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