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23. 10. 2017 science could help people live up to 100 or 200 years even. would that be a good or bad development? Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

23. 10. 2017 science could help people live up to 100 or 200 years even. would that be a good or bad development? v. 2
Many believe a life-span of an average human being will keep increasing and it may become as big as two hundred years. Below advantageous and disadvantageous ramifications of the trend will be discussed and author’s opinion will be given. On the one hand, the change in discussion has some negative facets, for instance, it will probably lead to the increase in the number of elderly and senior citizens that depend on the state’s support. Consequently, the percentage of a budget that will be devoted to this part of a population will steadily grow from year to year. It means finances that otherwise could have been spent on infrastructure and science are being poured into the health-care system. Furthermore, the youth who do not have needed qualifications and experience will likely face severe problems with employment because the majority of well-paid positions will be inevitably occupied by older employees. In other words, the trend may subside the economic development and cause unrest among the unemployed young people. On the other hand, the longevity may bring many beneficial changes as well. Firstly, a more peaceful world may be expected when countries will be ruled by wiser rulers and politicians who have more life experience. Those individuals will probably avoid using brute force to steer a political process and instead will use the art of diplomacy and negotiation. Secondly, many problems that are ignored today will be addressed. To illustrate, many contemporary dwellers do not perceive the modern environmental problems as serious ones because it requires the ability to foresee the consequences of today’s decisions and folks whose life may be as long as 200 years will unavoidably get this novel point of view on the planet and become more responsible and reasonable in their actions. In my opinion, although increasing a lifespan of human beings is an ancient dream, its achieving will bring more adverse aftermaths than positive ones because the natural process of replacing old people by new ones will be violated.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe a life-span of an average human being will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
increasing and it may become as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
as two hundred years. Below advantageous and disadvantageous ramifications of the trend will
be discussed
and author’s opinion will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.

On the one hand, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in discussion has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
facets,
for instance
, it will
probably
lead to the increase in the number of elderly and senior citizens that depend on the state’s support.
Consequently
, the percentage of a budget that will
be devoted
to this part of a population will
steadily
grow from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
. It means finances that
otherwise
could have
been spent
on infrastructure and science are
being poured
into the health-care system.
Furthermore
, the youth who do not have needed qualifications and experience will likely face severe problems with employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the majority of well-paid positions will be
inevitably
occupied by older employees.
In other words
, the trend may subside the economic development and cause unrest among the unemployed young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, the longevity may bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
beneficial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
as well
.
Firstly
, a more peaceful world may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
when countries will
be ruled
by wiser rulers and politicians who have more life experience. Those individuals will
probably
avoid using brute force to steer a political process and
instead
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the art of diplomacy and negotiation.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
will
be addressed
. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
contemporary dwellers do not perceive the modern environmental problems as serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it requires the ability to foresee the consequences of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s decisions and folks whose life may be as long as 200 years will
unavoidably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
this novel point of view on the planet and become more responsible and reasonable in their actions.

In my opinion, although increasing a lifespan of human beings is an ancient dream,
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
achieving will bring more adverse aftermaths than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the natural process of replacing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
will
be violated
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay 23. 10. 2017 science could help people live up to 100 or 200 years even. would that be a good or bad development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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