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23. 10. 2017 science could help people live up to 100 or 200 years even. would that be a good or bad development? Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

23. 10. 2017 science could help people live up to 100 or 200 years even. would that be a good or bad development? v. 1
It is obvious that immigration has been affecting all societies around the World for a long time. Naturally, there are some reasons why people prefer to move from their hometown and also results are occurring because of this circumstance. To begin with, one of the main reasons is that people want to live in a safe country because around the World there are still some countries which have had wars or disasters so people might escape from these difficult standards of living. Moreover, the other reason is that these people would like to have better job and education opportunities so they could move from their hometown to seek better conditions. For example, ı would like to study in Europe in order to develop myself in my profession so that is why people wanting to improve themselves might go to the other country. On the other hand, immigration leads to some negative results for immigrating people. One of the negative impacts on these people is that people's expectation may not always come true because during adaptation period people might be struggling with difficult situations due to not knowing exactly the customs, traditions and language skills in a foreign country that is why the countries have to run various refugee assistance programs and organizations to help those people. To sum up, ı think that people immigrate in order to have and live in better life conditions. However, living after immigration may not always meet people's expectations. So, it is very important to consider all the possible outcomes.
It is obvious that immigration has been affecting all societies around the World for a long time.
Naturally
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from their hometown and
also
results are occurring
because of this
circumstance.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the main reasons is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a safe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
around the World there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which have had wars or disasters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might escape from these difficult standards of living.
Moreover
, the other reason is that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would like to have better job and education opportunities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from their hometown to seek better conditions.
For example
, ı would like to study in Europe in order to develop myself in my profession
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wanting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
themselves might go to the other country.

On the other hand
, immigration leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
results for immigrating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. One of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's expectation may not always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
during adaptation period
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might be struggling with difficult situations due to not knowing exactly the customs, traditions and language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
that is
why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
run various refugee assistance programs and organizations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To sum up, ı
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
immigrate in order to have and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in better life conditions.
However
, living after immigration may not always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's expectations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider all the possible outcomes.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay 23. 10. 2017 science could help people live up to 100 or 200 years even. would that be a good or bad development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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