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23. Students at universities often have a choice of places to live. They may choose to live in university dormitories, or they may choose to live in apartments in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with the advantages v.1

23. Students at universities often have a choice of places to live. They may choose to live in university dormitories, or they may choose to live in apartments in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with the advantages v. 1
The proportion of obese youngsters in the western world has surged by 20% in the last decade. Some of the reasons responsible for this situation are ignorant parents and eating habits of some children. Consequently, there are some negative effects of this situation. One of the main reasons why there is a rise in the number of chubby children is the fact that some parents are oblivious of the adverse effects of excess weight-gain in children. They feel when the children are fat, it reflects their affluence and makes people know that such offsprings are well taken care of. Another point is the eating habits of these young ones. Within the last decennary, there seems to have been a hike in the eating appetite of these little ones. This is due to the fact that new food products emerge frequently and they always want to have a taste of these products. For example, we have more variety of food and cookies nowadays than we had about a century ago, so naturally the quest for them is unavoidable. Unfortunately, the adverse effects of obesity in children can be dangerous and sometimes life-threatening. One of the side effects is the health condition known as Diabetes. A diabetic child if not properly cared for can die before the age of twenty, because he or she cannot eat normally as other children. There are medications to be taken consistently, and any inconsistency in taking the prescribed drugs can result in death. Additionally, children who are fat most times suffer from low self-esteem. This is because other children make jest of them in places like schools. In some cases, these obese young ones keep to themselves because they lack the courage to play with others and make friends. In conclusion, there is a significant rise in the portion of little ones who look bigger than their age. Some reasons are responsible for this situation, and some of the effects include health conditions and low self-esteem among the young ones.
The proportion of obese youngsters in the western world has surged by 20% in the last decade.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
reasons responsible for this situation are ignorant parents and eating habits of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Consequently
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of this situation.

One of the main reasons why there is a rise in the number of chubby
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents are oblivious of the adverse effects of excess weight-gain in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They feel when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, it reflects their affluence and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
know that such
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
are well taken care of. Another point is the eating habits of these young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. Within the last
Possible spelling mistake found.
decennary
, there seems to have been a hike in the eating appetite of these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
This is due to the fact that
new food products emerge
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
frequently and
they always want to have a taste of these products.
For example
, we have more variety of food and cookies nowadays than we had about a century ago,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
naturally
the quest for them is unavoidable.

Unfortunately, the adverse effects of obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
life-threatening. One of the side effects is the health condition known as Diabetes. A diabetic child if not
properly
cared for can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the age of twenty,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he or she cannot eat
normally
as other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. There are medications to
be taken
consistently
, and any inconsistency in taking the prescribed drugs can result in death.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
most times suffer from low self-esteem. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
jest of them in places like schools. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, these obese young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
to themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they lack the courage to play with others and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends.

In conclusion
, there is a significant rise in the portion of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who look bigger than their age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
reasons are responsible for this situation, and
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
effects include health conditions and low self-esteem among the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay 23. Students at universities often have a choice of places to live. They may choose to live in university dormitories, or they may choose to live in apartments in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with the advantages v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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