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22. 09. 2017 Some people feel that entertainers (e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? v.2

22. 09. 2017 Some people feel that entertainers (e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 2
Some aver that professional athletes, famous actors and singers earn too much money. I disagree with this prospect and below the reason on which my stance is based will be discussed in details. To begin with, popular entertainers should have a considerable income. Firstly, their toil makes a large number of individuals happier. In fact, modern people, in particular those who live in rich countries, often have sad, boring and unhappy lives, for instance, statistics stays that one out of three Americans took or have taken anti-depressants. Thus, popular artists make lives of this distressed and folk better and more joyful. Secondly, well-known personalities make a lot of money to their employers and bosses. For instance, a movie that stars a popular actress will likely collect a huge pile of money because viewers adore her and want to see on the big screen. If a beloved star attracts public’s attention and money, the star should get a large salary for the job done. Those are several reasons to pay superstars. At the same time, there are other occupations that ought to be paid well. Primarily, performing jobs that require high-quality education should lead to a high income. For instance, pilots of aircrafts, doctors, engineers and architects usually spend a fortune and many years on studying those efforts and expenses must be covered in the future because paying decent money for doing the jobs will encourage people to pursue a degree in such fields. Furthermore, risking life or healthy must be appreciated. For instance, police officers and fire fighters are examples of dangerous jobs that demand from workers to go through significant stress on a regular basis. Thus, paying to the brave professionals appears to be logical due to fulfilling their duties often has a disadvantageous effect on their health and money will be needed to maintain their well-being after retirement. Thus, jobs that need having high level of education or perilous ones should be rewarded. To sum up, those who impact lives of many and who can guarantee success of an enterprise should make a lot of cash. Moreover, learned professionals and those who risk their lives to help others must have considerable payrolls.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
aver that professional athletes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actors and singers earn too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. I disagree with this prospect and below the reason on which my stance
is based
will
be discussed
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, popular entertainers should have a considerable income.
Firstly
, their toil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
individuals happier. In fact, modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
in particular
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in rich countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have sad, boring and unhappy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instance
, statistics stays that one out of three Americans took or have taken anti-depressants.
Thus
, popular artists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of this distressed and folk better and more joyful.
Secondly
, well-known personalities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to their employers and bosses. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instance
, a movie that stars a popular actress will likely collect a huge pile of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
viewers adore her and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
screen. If a beloved star attracts public’s attention and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, the star should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a large salary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
done. Those are several reasons to pay superstars.

At the same time, there are other occupations that ought to
be paid
well.
Primarily
, performing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that require high-quality education should lead to a high income. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instance
, pilots of
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "aircraft", the plural form of the noun 'aircraft'?
aircrafts
, doctors, engineers and architects
usually
spend a fortune and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years on studying those efforts and expenses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be covered
in the future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
paying decent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for doing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
will encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to pursue a degree in such fields.
Furthermore
, risking life or healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be appreciated
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instance
, police officers and fire fighters are examples of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that demand from workers to go through significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
on a regular basis.
Thus
, paying to the brave professionals appears to be logical due to fulfilling their duties
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
has a disadvantageous effect on their health and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
will
be needed
to maintain their well-being after retirement.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that need having high level of education or perilous ones should
be rewarded
.

To sum up, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
impact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can guarantee success of an enterprise should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
cash.
Moreover
, learned professionals and those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have considerable payrolls.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay 22. 09. 2017 Some people feel that entertainers (e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
364 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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