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2. It was suggested that everyone in the world wants to own a car, a TV and a fridge. Do you think the disadvantages of such a development outweigh advantages? v.1

2. It was suggested that everyone in the world wants to own a car, a TV and a fridge. Do you think the disadvantages of such a development outweigh advantages? v. 1
There has been tremendous changes in the lifestyle of individuals. The purchasing power of people has increased in the recent times and, the want towards material things such as owning a car, television and fridge has also increased. Although, this want to help in making the life of an individual more convenient, it also has various disadvantages. In my view, the advantages overweight the disadvantages. There are two main disadvantages of people's inclination towards buying appliances. The first one being, with the availability of these appliances, it makes the individual more lazy and lethargic. People nowadays, are more dependent on the usage of these appliances and have been ignoring any physical exercise. To illustrate, people use extensive use of vehicles, which reduces their physical activity. This could lead to various health issues such as, obesity. In addition, people tend to become more materialistic. People watch a lot of tv or use mobiles. This could have an adverse effect on their family relations, as they spend minimum time with their family and they are more engrossed in watching television. However, when individuals can afford all these things, it means the economy of that country is growing. People's purchasing power has increased, and there is more surplus money for them to spend on things apart from their basic necessities. Furthermore, the usage of these appliances has made the life of an individual more convenient. People now can easily commute long distances to their work, people are also able to relieve their stress by watching television. The development of technology has been beneficial for the whole society. To conclude, people will have trend to become more materialistic in today's world as they need to buy the latest automobiles and appliances has increased. However, this has more advantages as it adds convenience to a person's day to day life. Furthermore, an increase in the purchasing power of individuals is a positive sign for the nation.
There has been tremendous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. The purchasing power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
in the recent times and, the want towards material things such as owning a car, television and fridge has
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
. Although, this want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in making the life of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
more convenient, it
also
has various disadvantages. In my view, the advantages overweight the disadvantages.

There are two main disadvantages of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's inclination towards buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
. The
first
one being, with the availability of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
more lazy and lethargic.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
nowadays, are more dependent on the usage of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
and have been ignoring any physical exercise. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
extensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of vehicles, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
their physical activity. This could lead to various health issues such as, obesity.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to become more materialistic.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobiles. This could have an adverse effect on their family relations, as they spend minimum time with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
family and
they are more engrossed in watching television.

However
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
can afford all these things, it means the economy of that country is growing.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's purchasing power has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
, and there is more surplus money for them to spend on things apart from their
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
.
Furthermore
, the usage of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
has made the life of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
more convenient.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can
easily
commute long distances to their work,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
also
able to relieve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
by watching television. The development of technology has been beneficial for the whole society.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have trend to become more materialistic in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world as they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the latest automobiles and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appliances
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
.
However
, this has more advantages as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
convenience to a person's
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
life.
Furthermore
, an increase in the purchasing power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
for the nation.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay 2. It was suggested that everyone in the world wants to own a car, a TV and a fridge. Do you think the disadvantages of such a development outweigh advantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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