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1831 in many countries there has been large-scale migration from the countryside to the cities. Do you think this is positive of negative? v.1

1831 in many countries there has been large-scale migration from the countryside to the cities. Do you think this is positive of negative? v. 1
In this contemporary epoch, every sector of life is revolutionised, while some still needs advancement. And, research is one of them, which is imperative to promote a healthy life and keep numerous ailments away. However, it is widely argued whether authorities or private organizations should fund these researches. On the one hand, governments usually do not fund every important piece of research, even if it has the potential to save millions of lives. The rejection rates of funding requests targeting to the public money seem to be high according to some reports. It is supposed that the diseases or medical conditions from those requests were not at the top of the lists and they would have less chances for success. On the other hand, private sectors do have merits of the pharmaceutical industry. Clinical trials are usually expensive and they consume much of time to collect enough evidences before approval. The private companies are strong enough to convince the approver in some circumstances with fewer evidences, such as comparisons between known drugs to determine if one can help patients more than the others. It has raised the ethical question to those fundings since the finding adverse effects of new treatments is impossible without the careful monitoring and follow-up that happens with the trials. Overall, researching medicines are important and scientifically sound research projects have less chances of getting funded by public money. Many projects that have been waiting for years, despite the fact that they could provide treatments and cures that greatly improve individual lives and society as a whole, or they could be released under the outlawed ways due to the revenue for private companies. I believe the crowd has the power to change this, and if members of the public decided to support those researches, the impact would be to unlock the medical progress.
In this contemporary epoch, every sector of life is
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
still
needs advancement. And,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
is one of them, which is imperative to promote a healthy life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
numerous ailments away.
However
, it is
widely
argued whether authorities or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
organizations should fund these researches.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
usually
do not fund every
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
piece of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
, even if it has the potential to save millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The rejection rates of funding requests targeting to the public money seem to be high according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reports. It
is supposed
that the diseases or medical conditions from those requests were not at the top of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lists and
they would have
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun chances is countable.
less
chances for success.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
sectors do have merits of the pharmaceutical industry. Clinical trials are
usually
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
expensive and
they consume much of time to collect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
evidences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
approval. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to convince the approver in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
circumstances with fewer evidences, such as comparisons between known drugs to determine if one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
patients more than the others. It has raised the ethical question to those
Possible spelling mistake found.
fundings
since the finding adverse effects of new treatments is impossible without the careful monitoring and follow-up that happens with the trials.

Overall
, researching medicines are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and
scientifically
sound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
projects have
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun chances is countable.
less
chances of getting funded by public money.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
projects that have been waiting for years, despite the fact that they could provide treatments and cures that
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and society as a whole, or they could
be released
under the outlawed ways due to the revenue for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. I believe the crowd has the power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
this, and if members of the public decided to support those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
researches
, the impact would be to unlock the medical progress.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay 1831 in many countries there has been large-scale migration from the countryside to the cities. Do you think this is positive of negative? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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