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Which opinion do you agree with? Some people say that the Internet provides us with a lot of valuable information. Others believe that too much information on the net causes many problems. v.1

Which opinion do you agree with? Some people say that the Internet provides us with a lot of valuable information. Others believe that too much information on the net causes many problems. v. 1
Across the world, bullying has become an imminent danger in the lives of young children. This impending issue has been burgeoning due to some sombre reasons which are discussed in the essay along with several measures to be taken collectively. The root cause of this issue stems from an unattended behaviour of both parents and school administration. To begin with, nowadays, parents are getting busy in their work, as a result, they hardly spend time with their children. This adversely affects the child's behaviour as he or she is not monitored from time to time. To illustrate, in countries like USA, parents leave their children at a tender age, making them more aggressive in nature, mainly due to lack of family connect. Which leads to excessive bullying at schools among students. Moreover, schools are getting so focused with academic results that they have completely neglected other aspects such as shaping a child's traits and providing civic education. Consequently, children are not able to distinguish between good and bad behaviour. Therefore, parents and schools are becoming a root cause of the increase in bullying which need a due consideration. Some measures that can alleviate bullying is by optimum attention given by parents to their children in shaping their child's nature. No matter, how pressurised they are, but taking out time for their child is imperative. Along with this, every school, globally needs to include subjects like moral education in the syllabus so that children are given persuasive knowledge about living harmoniously with the peers and society. To illustrate, DAV INTERNATIONAL, a school in India, has recently incorporated subjects like moral and civic education, in which students are trained and examined to influence their behaviour for better living. To conclude, although bullying has been prevailing since the age old due to the lack of importance given by parents and teachers, it can be uprooted collectively with their joint efforts by imparting their pupils with proper education and attention
Across the world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
has become an imminent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This impending issue has been burgeoning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake. 'sombre' is British English.
sombre
reasons which
are discussed
in the essay along with several measures to
be taken
collectively
.

The root cause of this issue stems from an unattended
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
administration. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are getting busy in their work,
as a result
, they hardly spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This
adversely
affects the child's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
as he or she is not monitored from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. To illustrate, in countries
A determiner is probably missing here: "like the USA".
like USA
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at a tender age, making them more aggressive in nature,
mainly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to lack of family connect.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
leads to excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
among students.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
focused with academic results that they have completely neglected other aspects such as shaping a child's traits and providing civic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not able to distinguish between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are becoming a root cause of the increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
which need a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
consideration.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
measures that can alleviate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
is by optimum attention
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in shaping their child's nature. No matter, how
Possible spelling mistake. 'pressurised' is British English.
pressurised
they are,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
taking out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their child is imperative. Along with this, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, globally needs to include subjects like moral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in the syllabus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
persuasive knowledge about living
harmoniously
with the peers and society. To illustrate, DAV INTERNATIONAL, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in India, has recently incorporated subjects like moral and civic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, in which students
are trained
and examined to influence their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
for better living.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
has been prevailing since the age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the lack of importance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers, it can
be uprooted
collectively
with their joint efforts by imparting their pupils with proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and attention
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Which opinion do you agree with? Some people say that the Internet provides us with a lot of valuable information. Others believe that too much information on the net causes many problems. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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