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Today people are surrounded by advertising. This affects what people think is important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

Today people are surrounded by advertising. This affects what people think is important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. v. 3
To be true, Advertisement, the oxygen for businesses, attracts our immediate attention because of the fact that we are now living in a consumer culture and surrounded by ads every time. The emergence of electronic and social media has made it inevitable for anyone to get rid of ads. In my opinion, the massive presence of advertisements have a detrimental impact on people; hence, our society suffers. To begin with, the pivotal importance of advertisement is undeniable for businesses. Therefore, companies do not leave any stone unturned in order to attract their clients through promotion. The increased use of stunts in commercials, particularly for energy drinks, attracts the children and teenagers; hence, they tried to imitate the stunts which often performed by professionals in control environment under experts supervision. Verily, imitation of stunts by juveniles without the guidance of experts cause severe injuries. Moreover, Nowadays, advertisers have diverted advertisement towards children because they are easy to manipulate. Many fast food chains use cartoon characters to attract teenagers; hence, youngsters force their parents to buy those products which are not suitable for health. Use of calories dense and high fat-saturated food increased the problem of obesity among youngsters, which is one of the most significant challenges nations are facing these days. To conclude, the efforts to promote business have benefits for businesses on the one hand; however, the success of businesses comes at the cost of people health. The increasing consumption of junk food creating obesity issues on one end, on the other hand, youngsters are losing body parts while copying the stunts from ads.
To be true,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisement
, the oxygen for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attracts
our immediate attention
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
we are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
living in a consumer culture and surrounded by ads every time. The emergence of electronic and social media has made it inevitable for anyone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of ads. In my opinion, the massive presence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
have a detrimental impact on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
;
hence
, our society suffers.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the pivotal importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
is undeniable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
any stone unturned in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attract
their clients through promotion. The increased
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stunts
in commercials,
particularly
for energy drinks,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attracts
the children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
;
hence
, they tried to imitate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stunts
which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
performed by professionals in control environment under
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "experts'" or "expert's"?
experts
supervision.
Verily
, imitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stunts
by juveniles without the guidance of experts cause severe injuries.

Moreover
, Nowadays, advertisers have diverted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
towards children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are easy to manipulate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food chains
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
cartoon characters to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
;
hence
, youngsters force their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those products which are not suitable for health.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Use
of calories dense and high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
-saturated food increased the problem of obesity among youngsters, which is one of the most significant challenges nations are facing these days.

To conclude
, the efforts to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
have benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
on the one hand;
however
, the success of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
at the cost of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
health. The increasing consumption of junk food creating obesity issues on one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
,
on the other hand
, youngsters are losing body parts while copying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stunts
from ads.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS academic Today people are surrounded by advertising. This affects what people think is important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. v. 3

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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