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Thecharts below give information on the ages of people when they gotmarried in oneparticularcountry in1996 and2008. v.2

Thecharts below give information on the ages of people when they gotmarried in oneparticularcountry in1996 and2008. v. 2
The bar charts illustrate the percentage of residents getting married accross a range of 6 age groups according to their gender in a certain nation in 1996 and 2008. Overall, in both given years, women appeared to marry ealier than men. Besides, whereas the largest figure of females was at 25-29 age group, that of males was at 30-34. In 1996, only 1 per cent of females belonging to 16-19 age group getted married. The number increased sharply when they reached the age of 20 to 24 at 6 per cent prior to peaking at just below 12 per cent in the third age agroup. It then saw a steady decrease to just 2 per cent in the last age group. After over a decade, the figures for females remained relatively stable. Notably, the rate of youngest age group dropped to half of that in the previous year examined. In terms of male figures, in the first years surveyed, they tended to get married when they were 20 to 24, at just above 20 per cent. The number soared with age and reached its peak in the third and fourth age groups at approximately 9 per cent before experiencing a drop from 35 years old. Although this tendency seemed to unchange in 2008, the vast majority of males marrying fell into the fourth age group and rised at nearly 11 per cent.
The bar charts illustrate the percentage of residents getting married
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accross
a range of 6
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age
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groups
according to their gender in a certain nation in 1996 and 2008.

Overall
, in both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
years, women appeared to marry
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ealier
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Besides
, whereas the largest figure of females was at 25-29
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, that of males was at 30-34.

In 1996,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
1 per cent of females belonging to 16-19
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age
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group
Did you mean "got" or "get it"?
getted
married. The number increased
sharply
when they reached the
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age
of 20 to 24 at 6 per cent prior to peaking at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 12 per cent in the third
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age
Possible spelling mistake found.
agroup
. It then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a steady decrease to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
2 per cent in the last
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. After over a decade, the figures for females remained
relatively
stable.
Notably
, the rate of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the youngest".
youngest
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age
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group
dropped to half of that in the previous
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year
examined.

In terms of male figures, in the
first
years surveyed, they tended to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married when they were 20 to 24, at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 20 per cent. The number soared with
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age
and reached its peak in the third and fourth
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age
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groups
at approximately 9 per cent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
experiencing a drop from 35 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. Although this tendency seemed to
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unchange
in 2008, the vast majority of males marrying fell into the fourth
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age
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group
and
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "rose", the past tense form of the verb 'rise'?
rised
at
nearly
11 per cent.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS academic Thecharts below give information on the ages of people when they gotmarried in oneparticularcountry in1996 and2008. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
232 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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