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The two pie charts below show the pollution entering a particular part of ocean in 1997 and 2007 v.2

The two pie charts below show the pollution entering a particular part of ocean in 1997 and 2007 v. 2
The two pie charts above describe the changes in the proportion of contaminants inpouring into a specific ocean area in 1997 and 2007. It is clear that atmospheric pollutants were the main pollutants over the decade, accounted for about 30% in 1997 and 29% in 2007. Besides, the charts reflect an upward trend in the percentage of domestic sewage and offshore oil, rose from 18% to 29% and 5% to 14% respectively. By contrast there was a fall in the figure of the other four contaminants over the 10 year period. The level of pollution caused by marine and industrial waste witnessed a dramatic decrease, from 22% to 17% and 17% to 9% separately. Moreover, agriculture waste stayed significantly small ratio of the total amount pollutants, made up 2% in 2007. And the litter completely disappeared in the particular ocean area. Overall, the government should pay more attention to supervise the sanitary sewage and offshore petroleum pollutants in order to preserve marine environment.
The two pie charts above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the proportion of contaminants
Possible spelling mistake found.
inpouring
into a specific ocean area in 1997 and 2007.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that atmospheric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollutants
were the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollutants
over the decade, accounted for about 30% in 1997 and 29% in 2007.
Besides
, the charts reflect an upward trend in the percentage of domestic sewage and offshore oil, rose from 18% to 29% and 5% to 14%
respectively
. By contrast there was a fall in the figure of the other four contaminants over the
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "10-year"
10 year
period. The level of pollution caused by marine and industrial waste witnessed a dramatic decrease, from 22% to 17% and 17% to 9%
separately
.
Moreover
, agriculture waste stayed
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
ratio of the total amount
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollutants
, made up 2% in 2007. And the litter completely disappeared in the particular ocean area.

Overall
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should pay more attention to supervise the sanitary sewage and offshore petroleum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollutants
in order to preserve marine environment.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS academic The two pie charts below show the pollution entering a particular part of ocean in 1997 and 2007 v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
163 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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