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The tale below gives information about management positions help by women in European country in 2006. v.2

The tale below gives information about management positions help by women in European country in 2006. v. 2
The table compares the percentage of women in holding the management place in finance, manufacturing, IT, hospitality industries in the year 2006. As an overview, it was be seen clearly that hospitality has the highest proportion in managing places, while manufacturing had the lowest rate in 2006 As we can see clearly in the table, the percentage of women held the managers accounted for about one-third in hospitality industry. This industry also had the highest proportion of executives and CEOs by female, both was at about one-fifth of the total in 2006. Both finance and IT had the percentage of women in managers were about 16%, but the executive and CEOs in Finance were lower than IT, they were just at 4, 58% in Executive and 1. 98% in CEOs, while IT was at 12, 82% in executive and 6, 58% in CEOs. Finally, accounting the lowest proportion in three positions was manufacturing industry, with 9% in managers and under 2% in the other positions in 2006
The table compares the percentage of women in holding the management place in finance, manufacturing, IT, hospitality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
in the year 2006.

As an overview, it was
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
clearly
that hospitality has the highest proportion in managing places, while manufacturing had the lowest rate in 2006

As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
clearly
in the table, the percentage of women held the managers accounted for about one-third in hospitality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
also
had the highest proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
executives
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
CEOs
by female, both was at about one-fifth of the total in 2006. Both finance and IT had the percentage of women in managers were about 16%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
executive
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
CEOs
in Finance were lower than IT, they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
at 4, 58% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Executive
and 1. 98% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
CEOs
, while IT was at 12, 82% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
executive
and 6, 58% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
CEOs
.
Finally
, accounting the lowest proportion in three positions was manufacturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
, with 9% in managers and under 2% in the other positions in 2006
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS academic The tale below gives information about management positions help by women in European country in 2006. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
166 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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