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The pie charts show the highest education level of women in Sri Lanka in 1965 and 1995. v.1

The pie charts show the highest education level of women in Sri Lanka in 1965 and 1995. v. 1
The pie charts compare the female education scenarios in Sri Lanka in 1965 and 1995. As is obvious, the level of female education in Sri Lanka remarkably progressed within three decades. Getting back to the details, more than one-third of Sri Lankan females never attended schools in 1965 while only 3% completed their graduation. No woman in this year was awarded a post graduate degree while almost half of Sri Lankan women barely completed their primary education. In this year, 18% female received their 12th-grade diploma and the overall education level in Sri Lankan women was dismal. However, after three decades, this scenario changed exceptionally when one in every five Sri Lankan women hold a post-graduate qualification and no woman was unschooled. Exactly one-quarter of them completed 12th grades while graduate women comprised 35%. It is worth noticing that no women in this period were uneducated and that was a remarkable progress in terms of women education in Sri Lanka. Finally, 20% female in this year completed their primary education which was exactly the same ratio of post graduate women in this year.
The pie charts compare the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
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education
scenarios in Sri Lanka in 1965 and 1995. As is obvious, the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in Sri Lanka
remarkably
progressed within three decades.

Getting back to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, more than one-third of Sri Lankan
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females
never attended schools in 1965 while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3%
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completed
their graduation. No woman in this
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year
was awarded
a post graduate degree while almost half of Sri Lankan
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women
barely
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completed
their primary
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education
. In this
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year
, 18%
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female
received their 12th-grade diploma and the
overall
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education
level in Sri Lankan
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women
was dismal.

However
, after three decades, this scenario
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
exceptionally
when one in every five Sri Lankan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
hold a post-graduate qualification and no woman
was unschooled
. Exactly one-quarter of them
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completed
12th grades while graduate
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women
comprised 35%. It is worth noticing that no
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women
in this period
were uneducated
and that was
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "remarkable progress".
a remarkable progress
in terms of
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women
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education
in Sri Lanka.
Finally
, 20%
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female
in this
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year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
completed
their primary
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education
which was exactly the same ratio of post graduate
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women
in this
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year
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS academic The pie charts show the highest education level of women in Sri Lanka in 1965 and 1995. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
183 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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