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The pie charts show the average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. v.2

The pie charts show the average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. v. 2
The pie charts illustrate the average household spending on five vital categories in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. Overall, It is clear that the average household expenditure differed from each category in both nations. However, householders in both countries spent the highest proportion of their income on 3 same categories - housing, food and other goods and services. In Malaysia, housing saw the highest amount of spending' s householders, represented 34% of total expenditure. This was higher than in Japan, only 21% of Japan householders' income. In Japan, 29% of total expenditure spent on other good and services, making it the highest among the categories and slightly higher than that of Malaysia, at 26%. Regarding food, there were similar figures in both countries, at 27% in Malaysia and 14% in Japan. In terms of the other two categories, the average household expenditures in Japan were double than in Malaysia. Japanese household spent 20% of their income on food, compared with 10% that of Malaysia householders. Health care accounted for only 6% of total expenditure in Japan households, while 3% of that saw in Malaysia.
The pie charts illustrate the average
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household
spending on five vital
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categories
in
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Japan
and Malaysia in the year 2010.

Overall
, It is
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clear
that the average
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household
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expenditure
differed from each
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category
in both nations.
However
, householders in both countries spent the highest proportion of their income on 3 same
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categories
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
housing, food and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services.

In Malaysia, housing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
the highest amount of
Possible spelling mistake found.
spending&
#039; s householders, represented 34% of total
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expenditure
. This was higher than in
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Japan
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
21% of
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Japan
Possible spelling mistake found.
householders&
#039; income. In
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Japan
, 29% of total
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expenditure
spent on other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and services, making it the highest among the
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categories
and
slightly
higher than that of Malaysia, at 26%. Regarding food, there were similar figures in both countries, at 27% in Malaysia and 14% in Japan.

In terms of the other two
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categories
, the average
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household
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expenditures
in
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Japan
were double than in Malaysia. Japanese
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household
spent 20% of their income on food, compared with 10% that of Malaysia householders. Health care accounted for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
6% of total
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expenditure
in
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Japan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
households
, while 3% of that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
in Malaysia.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS academic The pie charts show the average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
186 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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