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The line graph below shows the unemployment rates for the USA and Japan between March 2005 and March 2011. v.1

The line graph below shows the unemployment rates for the USA and Japan between March 2005 and March 2011. v. 1
The line graph compares the percentages of unemployed Japanese and Americans from 2005 to 2011. Overall, the unemployment rate in the USA was considerably higher than that of Japan in 2005 but after five years the rate became the almost the same in both countries. Now, turning to the details, exactly seven percent workforce in the USA was unemployed in 2005 which was almost thrice than the unemployment Japanese workforce. In March 2006, joblessness among the US citizens dropped by one percent while it increased to over 3. 5 percent in Japan. Following that, the unemployment rate in the USA kept on decreasing with some fluctuations and reached to 5. 5% in 2010 whereas an exactly opposite was the truth in the case of the Japan, where the percentage of jobless people steadily climbed until it reached to 5. 5% in 2010. Interestingly, unemployment rates in the USA and Japan intersected each other by 2010 and with few minor rise and fall, both remained almost the same until the end of 2011, despite a huge gap, 4. 5% to be more precise, in early 2005.
The line graph compares the percentages of unemployed Japanese and Americans from 2005 to 2011.
Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in the USA was
considerably
higher than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
in 2005
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after five years the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
became
Duplicated 'the' in the phrase: 'the almost the'. Did you mean "almost the"?
the almost the
same in both countries.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, turning to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, exactly seven percent workforce in the USA
was unemployed
in 2005 which was almost
Use "(thrice)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
thrice
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
Japanese workforce. In March 2006, joblessness among the US citizens dropped by one percent while it increased to over 3. 5 percent in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
. Following that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in the USA
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on decreasing with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fluctuations and reached to 5. 5% in 2010 whereas an exactly opposite was the truth in the case of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
, where the percentage of jobless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
steadily
climbed until it reached to 5. 5% in 2010.
Interestingly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
in the USA and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
intersected each other by 2010 and with few minor rise and fall, both remained almost the same until the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of 2011, despite a huge gap, 4. 5% to be more precise, in early 2005.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS academic The line graph below shows the unemployment rates for the USA and Japan between March 2005 and March 2011. v. 1

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
185 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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