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The graph below shows the student involvement in three sports in a school based on which grades they are studying in. v.2

The graph below shows the student involvement in three sports in a school based on which grades they are studying in. v. 2
The column graph shows the percentages of students from eight to ten grades in a school who are involved in three sports, namely - soccer, cricket and basketball. At a glance, it is clear that more students participated in cricket than other two sports. Now turning back to the details, more than half of the eight graders in this school play cricket while a quarter of this class students participates in football. Every participant out of five from class eight play basketball. 45% students from class nine are actively involved in playing cricket and this is exactly 15% higher than that of soccer players from this class and precisely 20% higher than the percentage of basketball players. Finally, two out of five tenth graders participated in cricket, which is in fact, played by the highest proportion of students from class eight to ten, and 28% pupils from class ten play basketball, which is the least preferred outdoor games among those pupils. Football, as a sport, is taken up by 32% tenth graders, which is evidently more preferred than basketball but less than cricket by these students.
The column graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the percentages of
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students
from eight to ten grades in a school who
are involved
in three sports,
namely
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
soccer,
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cricket
and
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basketball
. At a glance, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that more
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students
participated in
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cricket
than other two sports.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
turning back to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, more than half of the eight graders in this school play
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cricket
while a quarter of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
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students
participates in football. Every participant out of five from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
eight play
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basketball
. 45%
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students
from
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class
nine are
actively
involved in playing
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cricket
and this is exactly 15% higher than that of soccer players from this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and
precisely
20% higher than the percentage of
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basketball
players.
Finally
, two out of five tenth graders participated in
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cricket
, which is in fact, played by the highest proportion of
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students
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
eight to ten, and 28% pupils from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
ten play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basketball
, which is the least preferred outdoor games among those pupils. Football, as a sport,
is taken
up by 32% tenth graders, which is
evidently
more preferred than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basketball
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cricket
by these
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students
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph below shows the student involvement in three sports in a school based on which grades they are studying in. v. 2

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
186 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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