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The graphs below show how people in a European city reached their office and got back home in 1959 and 2009. v.1

The graphs below show how people in a European city reached their office and got back home in 1959 and 2009. v. 1
The pie charts delineate how citizens in a European city commuted to and from their offices in 1959 and 2009. Overall, more than half of the office-goers walked in 1959 while car use in 2009 significantly increased. Besides, people travelled more distance in 2009 at a faster speed. According to the illustration, more than half of the job holders walked to reach their office and get back home in 1959 while only a quarter of them did so in 2009. Bus commuters in this city accounted for 15% in 1959 while it was 2% less after 5 decades. The ratio of office executives (15%) who used trains in both years remained the same. One in ten office commuters drove cars in 1959 but after five decades their percentage increased significantly, 35% to be exact. The use of different other transportations in 2009 increased than that of 50 years earlier. It is worth noticing that the speed and average distance travelled by these commuters considerably increased in 2009 when a commuter travelled 19 kilometres on an average in 42 minutes compared to their average 3. 5-kilometre journey in 17 minutes in 1959.
The pie charts delineate how citizens in a European city commuted to and from their
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offices
in 1959 and 2009.
Overall
, more than half of the office-goers walked in 1959 while car
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in 2009
significantly
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increased
.
Besides
,
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people
travelled more distance in 2009 at a faster speed.

According to the illustration, more than half of the job holders walked to reach their
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office
and
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get
back home in 1959 while
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only
a quarter of them did
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in 2009. Bus
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commuters
in this city accounted for 15% in 1959 while it was 2% less after 5 decades. The ratio of
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office
executives (15%) who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
trains in both years remained the same. One in ten
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office
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commuters
drove cars in 1959
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but
after five decades their percentage
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increased
significantly
, 35% to be exact. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
other transportations in 2009
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increased
than that of 50 years earlier.

It is worth noticing that the speed and average distance travelled by these
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commuters
considerably
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increased
in 2009 when a
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commuter
travelled 19
Possible spelling mistake. 'kilometres' is British English.
kilometres
on an average in 42 minutes compared to their average 3.
The word '5-kilometre' is an adjective (SI unit of measurement), but the spelling is not correct American English.
5-kilometre
journey in 17 minutes in 1959.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS academic The graphs below show how people in a European city reached their office and got back home in 1959 and 2009. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
191 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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