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The charts below show the workforce profile at the top management jobs by ethnicity and race in South Africa based on a 2015/16 report. v.1

The charts below show the workforce profile at the top management jobs by ethnicity and race in South Africa based on a 2015/16 report. v. 1
The pie chart compares the South African top management workforce scenario based on different races and ethnicities while the bar graph depicts the same ratio in the public and private sectors. The data is taken from a report published in 2015/16. It is evident that top management positions in South Africa are white dominant and whites are over-presented in private job sectors while the Africans occupy the majority of top positions in public sector jobs. The pie chart reveals that whites are noticeably over-presented in the higher job positions in South Africa as they accounted for over 68% of all top management jobs compared to only 4. 7% and 14. 3% Coloured and Africans in such positions. Indians represent just over 8. 5% of this workforce while foreigners work in 3. 5% of such top-level positions. The bar graph depicts that South African top public sector jobs, over 73%, are dominated by African workers while white over-presents the private sector jobs. Every three out of five top private-sector jobs are occupied by whites. Finally, Indians accounted for 8 and 6 percentage private and public job positions, higher than the ratio of Coloured and foreigners' job ratio in top management in South Africa.
The pie chart compares the South African
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top
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management
workforce scenario based on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
races and ethnicities while the bar graph depicts the same ratio in the
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public
and
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private
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sectors
. The data
is taken
from a report published in 2015/16. It is evident that
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top
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management
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positions
in South Africa are
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white
dominant and
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whites
are over-presented in
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private
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job
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sectors
while the Africans occupy the majority of
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top
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positions
in
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public
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sector
jobs.

The pie chart reveals that
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whites
are
noticeably
over-presented in the higher
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job
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positions
in South Africa as they accounted for over 68% of all
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top
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management
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jobs
compared to
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only
4. 7% and 14. 3%
Possible spelling mistake. 'Coloured' is British English.
Coloured
and Africans in such
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positions
. Indians represent
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just
over 8. 5% of this workforce while foreigners work in 3. 5% of such top-level positions.

The bar graph depicts that South African
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top
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public
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sector
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jobs
, over 73%,
are dominated
by African workers while
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white
over-presents the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. Every three out of five
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top
private-sector
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are occupied
by
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whites
.
Finally
, Indians accounted for 8 and 6 percentage
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private
and
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public
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job
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positions
, higher than the ratio of
Possible spelling mistake. 'Coloured' is British English.
Coloured
and foreigners'
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job
ratio in
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top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
in South Africa.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS academic The charts below show the workforce profile at the top management jobs by ethnicity and race in South Africa based on a 2015/16 report. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
202 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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