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The graph gives information about drinking habits of the US population by age. v.1

The graph gives information about drinking habits of the US population by age. v. 1
The bar graph outlines the drinking habits of Americans based on their age groups. As can be seen, US citizens’ drinking pattern greatly varies based on their age and elder population over 65 years mostly abstain from drinking. According to the diagram, 60% US citizens between 16 to 24 years old have never been on alcohol while roughly 10% of them used to drink but now are abstainers. Around one-quarter of these young Americans are light-drinkers while remaining 5% drinks heavily. A similar pattern could be observed among the 25-34 years age group but with an increasing ratio of irregular drinkers and almost 8% hard drinker. It is interesting to note that chronic alcoholics in the US are highest between 35-54 years population and this ratio is lower among the younger and senior citizens. The rate of people who never have had alcohol declines with the increase of age and a reverse trend could be observed for the ex-drinkers whose proportion hikes as people get older. The highest ratio of hard drinkers falls between 45-54 years age group and the light drinkers is highest among the 25-34 years old Americans. Finally, an overwhelming number of US population, almost 40%, quit drinking when they are over 64 years old.
The bar graph outlines the drinking habits of Americans based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups. As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, US citizens’ drinking pattern
greatly
varies based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and elder population over 65 years
mostly
abstain from drinking.

According to the diagram, 60% US citizens
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 16 and 24".
between 16 to 24
years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
have never been on alcohol while roughly 10% of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to drink
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
are abstainers. Around one-quarter of these young Americans are light-drinkers while remaining 5% drinks
heavily
. A similar pattern could
be observed
among the 25-34 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with an increasing ratio of irregular drinkers and almost 8%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
drinker.

It is interesting to note that chronic alcoholics in the US are highest between 35-54 years population and this ratio is lower among the younger and senior citizens. The rate of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who never have had alcohol declines with the increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and a reverse trend could
be observed
for the ex-drinkers whose proportion hikes as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older.

The highest ratio of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
drinkers falls between 45-54 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group and the light drinkers is highest among the 25-34 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
Americans.
Finally
, an overwhelming number of US population, almost 40%, quit drinking when they are over 64 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS academic The graph gives information about drinking habits of the US population by age. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
208 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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