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The graph below shows the amounts spent on apparel on the Internet in the USA and Japan between 1999 and 2003. v.2

The graph below shows the amounts spent on apparel on the Internet in the USA and Japan between 1999 and 2003. v. 2
Given is the graph illustrating the number of money spent on apparel online in America and Japan from 1999 to 2003. It is clear that in the first years, the amounts took money on apparel in Japan is more dominant than in the USA. However, as the years went by the spending habits of the two countries became almost identical. In 1999, the Japanese who used the Internet for apparel was as twice as the Americans did, at 10 and 5 millions of dollars. After that, two figures continued a stable climb with slight acceleration to 12 and 10 million respectively in the following year. A notable fact is that after a mild increase from 2000, the percentages plunged with 7 million of Japan and USA reached 8 million. Two data followed by a growth pattern that was more varied, they abruptly surged to the highest point at 20% in 2003.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
is the graph illustrating the number of money spent on apparel online in America and Japan from 1999 to 2003.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that in the
first
years, the amounts took money on apparel in Japan is more dominant than in the USA.
However
, as the years went by the spending habits of the two countries became almost identical.

In 1999, the Japanese who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the Internet for apparel was as twice as the Americans did, at 10 and 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
of dollars. After that, two figures continued a stable climb with slight acceleration to 12 and 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
respectively
in the following year.

A notable fact is that after a mild increase from 2000, the percentages plunged with 7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
of Japan and USA reached 8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
. Two data followed by a growth pattern that was more varied, they
abruptly
surged to the highest point at 20% in 2003.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS academic The graph below shows the amounts spent on apparel on the Internet in the USA and Japan between 1999 and 2003. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
151 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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