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the graph belo sho s the proportion of the population aged 65 and over bet een 1940 and 2040 n three different countries v.2

the graph belo sho s the proportion of the population aged 65 and over bet een 1940 and 2040 n three different countries v. 2
The given line graph demonstrates information of the percentages of people üho are in the age of 65 and over in the USA, Süeden and Japan from 1940 to 2040. At the first glance, we can see that the population of these countries will be increase sharply while Japan and USA will be in a same numbers between 2020 and 2040. The elder people in Sweden and USA were nearly 10 % in 1940 and the figures rose till 1980 just half thirty. Near the new era elder people of Sweden were rising while the numbers were decreasing in USA. But, it predicts that numerous of olders will be jump to approximately quarter percentages and over. Now, turning to the details of Japan the percentages was a small fraction about 5 % and fell dramatically and reached again the same number during 70 years. After 2000s the figures is running and expect that the percentages of elder Japanese will be in a high level nearly 27 %.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
line graph demonstrates information of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
üho
are in the age of 65 and over in the USA,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Süeden
and Japan from 1940 to 2040.

At the
first
glance, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the population of these countries will be increase
sharply
while Japan and USA will be in a same numbers between 2020 and 2040.

The elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Sweden and USA were
nearly
10 % in 1940 and the figures rose till 1980
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
half thirty. Near the new era elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of Sweden were rising while the numbers were decreasing
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, it predicts that numerous of
Possible spelling mistake found.
olders will
be
Consider using a past participle here: "jumped".
jump
to approximately quarter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
and over.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, turning to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of Japan the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
fraction about 5 % and fell
dramatically
and reached again the same number during 70 years. After 2000s the figures is running and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of elder Japanese will be in a high level
nearly
27 %.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS academic the graph belo sho s the proportion of the population aged 65 and over bet een 1940 and 2040 n three different countries v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
167 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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