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The figure shows the results of a survey of 1000 adolescents in five different countries. The participants were asked at what age they believed certain rights and responsibilities should be granted to young people. v.2

The figure shows the results of a survey of 1000 adolescents in five different countries. The participants were asked at what age they believed certain rights and responsibilities should be granted to young people. v. 2
The diagram describes a survey result of 1000 teenagers about at what age they should follow particular rights and responsibilities. The survey has been conducted in five different nationalities on three categories such as marriage, voting, and criminal responsibility. The survey result shows that American and Mexican participants have likely the same opinion. Americans agreed that marriage and voting right should be given at the same age (18) but criminal responsibility at a younger age. American teenagers believed that criminal responsibility should be given at about twelve years old. British and Japanese adolescents agreed that rights of marriage should be granted at an older age than other subjects.   Afterwards, teenagers in the UK agreed that certain responsibilities should be granted within 18 years old but Japanese believe those should be suitable for over 18 years old. Only Egyptians agreed that voting should be granted at an older age than other categories. In short, all teenagers from five different countries have a different agreement of what age should the young people be granted on certain rights. Only Japanese believe that they should get those rights at above 18 years old while others within 18 years old.
The diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describes
a survey result of 1000
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teenagers
about at what
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age
they should follow particular
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rights
and
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responsibilities
. The survey has
been conducted
in five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nationalities on three categories such as marriage, voting, and criminal responsibility.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
survey result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that American and Mexican participants have likely the same opinion. Americans
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agreed
that marriage and voting
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right
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
at the same
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age
(18)
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but
criminal
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responsibility
at a younger
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age
. American
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teenagers
believed that criminal
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responsibility
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
at about twelve years
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old
. British and Japanese adolescents
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agreed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
of marriage should be
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granted
at an older
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age
than other subjects.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Afterwards,
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teenagers
in the UK
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agreed
that certain
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responsibilities
should be
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granted
within 18 years
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old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Japanese believe those should be suitable for over 18 years
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old
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
Egyptians
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agreed
that voting should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
granted
at an older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
than other categories.

In short, all
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teenagers
from five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
agreement of what
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age
should the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
be
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granted
on certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
Japanese believe that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
at above 18 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
while others within 18 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
.
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The figure shows the results of a survey of 1000 adolescents in five different countries. The participants were asked at what age they believed certain rights and responsibilities should be granted to young people. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
196 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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