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The charts give information about the proportions of boys and girls of a school who achived high grades in respective courses. v.2

The charts give information about the proportions of boys and girls of a school who achived high grades in respective courses. v. 2
The bar charts compare the percentage of male and female students who achieved high grades in five different subjects in the year of 1996 and 2000. The largest proportion of boys (about 45%) performed well in Humanities in 2000, increasing remarkably from around 22% in 1996. By contrast, a declining trend was seen in girls in the same subject, dropping from just under 35% to 25%. A larger percentage of male students achieved high scores in Arts in 2000 than 4 years ago, standing at more than 20% in 2000, which more than doubled from less than 10% in 1996. Still, the figure for their female counterparts shrank from 30% to 25%. The subject which most girls are good at was languages in both years. Although the percentage decreasing from 45% to around 31%, this figure was still larger than that of boys’, which remained unchanged at about 21% during the period. An upward pattern was shown in Maths in terms of girls, with the figure increased three-fold from 5% to 15% while the proportion of girls achieved good grades in Science remained roughly unchanged around 10%. In contrast, the figures for boys in these two subjects both experienced a noticeable decline. Overall, boys outperformed girls in Humanities during the 4-year period while girls showed an overwhelmingly advantage in Languages. The gaps between male and female students in the other three subjects were narrowing.
The bar charts compare the percentage of male and female students who achieved high grades in five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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subjects
in the
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year
of 1996 and 2000.

The largest proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
(about 45%) performed well in Humanities in 2000, increasing
remarkably
from around 22% in 1996. By contrast, a declining trend was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
in the same
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subject
, dropping from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 35% to 25%. A larger percentage of male students achieved high scores in Arts in 2000 than 4 years ago, standing at more than 20% in 2000, which more than doubled from less than 10% in 1996.
Still
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
for their female counterparts shrank from 30% to 25%.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
which most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at was languages in both years. Although the percentage decreasing from 45% to around 31%, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
was
still
larger than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys’
, which remained unchanged at about 21% during the period. An upward pattern
was shown
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'Maths' is British English.
Maths
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
, with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
increased three-fold from 5% to 15% while the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
achieved
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades in Science remained roughly unchanged around 10%.
In contrast
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figures
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
in these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
both experienced a noticeable decline.

Overall
,
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boys
outperformed
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girls
in Humanities during the
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4-year
period while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
an
You used an adverb ('overwhelmingly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('advantage') instead of another adjective.
overwhelmingly advantage
in Languages. The gaps between male and female students in the other three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
were narrowing.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic The charts give information about the proportions of boys and girls of a school who achived high grades in respective courses. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
234 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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