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The charts below show the destination of secondary school leavers foryoung Australians in 1980, 1990 and 2000. v.2

The charts below show the destination of secondary school leavers foryoung Australians in 1980, 1990 and 2000. v. 2
Three pie charts indicate the information about options of students in Australia after graduating from secondary school in three different years 1980, 1990 and 2000. Overall, there was an increase in the number of people who are employed while fewer students decide to continue further education. In 1980, a half of students in Australia who leaving secondary school pursued higher levels of education to broad the knowledge. After a-10-year period, this figure decreased slightly to 38% and then remained nearly unchanged in 2000. The percentage of students who were jobless was the smallest with only 10%, 12% and 8% in 1980, 1990 and 2000 respectively. Meanwhile, there was a possitive development in the total of secondary school leavers who have a job. The proportion of people who were in employment raised from 40% in 1980 to 55% in 2000- which was the most popular options of students in 1990 and 2000.
Three pie charts indicate the information about options of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in Australia after graduating from secondary school in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years 1980, 1990 and 2000.

Overall
, there was an increase in the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
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who
are employed
while fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
decide to continue
further
education.

In 1980, a half of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in Australia
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
leaving secondary school pursued higher levels of education to broad the knowledge. After a-10-year period, this figure decreased
slightly
to 38% and then remained
nearly
unchanged in 2000. The percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were jobless was the smallest with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10%, 12% and 8% in 1980, 1990 and 2000
respectively
.

Meanwhile, there was a
Possible spelling mistake found.
possitive
development in the total of secondary
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leavers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a job. The proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were in employment raised from 40% in 1980 to 55% in 2000- which was the most popular options of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in 1990 and 2000.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS academic The charts below show the destination of secondary school leavers foryoung Australians in 1980, 1990 and 2000. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
151 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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