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The given pie charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or pursuing further education, in 1980, 1990, and 2000. v.2

The given pie charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or pursuing further education, in 1980, 1990, and 2000. v. 2
The given pie charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or pursuing further education, in 1980, 1990, and 2000. Overall, from 1980 to 2000, the proportion of Australian students who were employed grew, while there was a decline in both the proportion of those pursuing higher levels of education and those who were unemployed. In 1980, half of the Australian secondary school leavers chose to continue their education. After a 10 year period, this number dropped to only 38% and remained almost unchanged in 2000. Meanwhile, the figures for those who were unemployment were the smallest, at only 10% in 1980, 12% in 1990, and finally dropping back down to 8% in 2000. On the other hand, over the years Australia saw an increase in the percentage of students who received a job after graduation from secondary school, from 40% in 1980 to 55% in 2000, which was the largest figure among all examined categories.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
pie charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were unemployed
, employed or pursuing
further
education, in 1980, 1990, and 2000.

Overall
, from 1980 to 2000, the proportion of Australian students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were employed
grew, while there was a decline in both the proportion of those pursuing higher levels of education and those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were unemployed
.

In 1980, half of the Australian secondary
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leavers
chose to continue their education. After a
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "10-year"
10 year
period, this number dropped to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
38% and remained almost unchanged in 2000. Meanwhile, the figures for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Did you mean "where unemployment were"?
were unemployment were
the smallest, at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10% in 1980, 12% in 1990, and
finally
dropping back down to 8% in 2000.

On the other hand
, over the years Australia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
an increase in the percentage of students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
received a job after graduation from secondary school, from 40% in 1980 to 55% in 2000, which was the largest figure among all examined categories.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS academic The given pie charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or pursuing further education, in 1980, 1990, and 2000. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
161 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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