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The chart below shows the number of jobs in tourism related industries in one UK citiy between 1989 and 2009 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant v.2

The chart below shows the number of jobs in tourism related industries in one UK citiy between 1989 and 2009
The bar chart given compares the quantities of employment opportunities related to tourism, namely restaurants, hotels, sports and leisure, travel and tours sector in a city in the UK over the course of 20 years from 1989 to 2009. Overall, most jobs were to work in restaurants and hotels, and their number increased gradually, whereas fewer jobs in other fields were created. In 1989, about 1100 people were employed to work in restaurants and hotels. It was closely followed by sports and leisure, which had just fewer than 850000 workers. Far fewer people worked in the fields of travel and tours, just 800000 workers. From 1989 to 2004, the quantities of people in the restaurants' hotel sharply increased from 1100 to 1600, but from 2004 to 2009, this figure decreased to approximately 1580. The next popular jobs which were sport and leisure fluctuated strongly This was the same pattern with travel and tours from 1989 to 1994. The quantities of people worked in both sport and leisure and travel and tours showed a decrease similarly during the period from 1999 to 2009. The figure for sport and leisure fell to around 600 at the end, while that of travel/tours declined more significantly to just over 400.
The bar chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
compares the quantities of employment opportunities related to tourism,
namely
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restaurants
,
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hotels
,
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sports
and
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leisure
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tours
sector in a city in the UK over the course of 20 years from 1989 to 2009.

Overall
, most jobs were to work in
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restaurants
and
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hotels
, and their number increased
gradually
, whereas fewer jobs in other fields
were created
.

In 1989, about 1100
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people
were employed
to work in
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restaurants
and
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hotels
. It was
closely
followed by
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sports
and
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leisure
, which had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
fewer than 850000 workers. Far fewer
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people
worked in the fields of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tours
,
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just
800000 workers.

From 1989 to 2004, the quantities of
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people
in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
restaurants&
#039;
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hotel
sharply
increased from 1100 to 1600,
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but
from 2004 to 2009, this figure decreased to approximately 1580.

The
next
popular jobs which were
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sport
and
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leisure
fluctuated
strongly
This was the same pattern with
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travel
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tours
from 1989 to 1994. The quantities of
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people
worked in both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a decrease
similarly
during the period from 1999 to 2009.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
figure for
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sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
fell to around 600 at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, while that of travel/tours declined more
significantly
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 400.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS academic The chart below shows the number of jobs in tourism related industries in one UK citiy between 1989 and 2009

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
206 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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